Home
>
Personal Finance
>
Portfolio Planning can Lead to Irreconcilable Differences

Portfolio Planning can Lead to Irreconcilable Differences

The judge had to ask the question, and we had to answer it in order to get our divorce finalized. It was all supposed to be pro-forma. "Why are you getting divorced?" the judge asked, his head buried in legal file folders.

"Irreconcilable differences," my wife, Sue, and I answered in unison as our attorneys recommended.

To our surprise, he followed up with a second question. "Differences about what?"

"Investment strategies," I blurted out. My attorney stomped me on my foot to shut me up. The judge was intrigued even though 20 other couples, with their attorneys, were waiting behind us.

Sue jumped in. "He believes in using only index funds in our portfolio. What a mistake! We need to actively manage our investments. Since the tech-stock bubble burst we've been losing money. And I dated a guy before this bozo [that was me] who is now a top mutual-fund manager on Wall Street. His fund has increased 13.2 percent a year even during the bear market. We should have given him our money."

The judge was definitely impressed. "I wish I could get my wife to be as interested as you are in our investments," he said. "Seems like you have a real winner here Hesh, so why are you breaking up?"

Just what I needed, the judge siding with Sue. I quickly counter-attacked. "Your honor, I believe in index funds," I said. "Why waste all that money having someone help you beat the market when the numbers say that over time no one really beats the market."

The judge really seemed interested. He wondered out loud, "You guys seem like a sophisticated couple, didn't you discuss this before you got married?"

I immediately answered. I didn't want Sue saying anything else that would make me look like a fool. "Your honor, when the topic of money came up, we agreed that mutual funds made the most sense and that we would max out our 401(k) s.

Honestly, we were just out of grad school, and we really didn't have much money. The topic just never came up again."

The couples behind us had given up hope of leaving soon; they sat down dejected as their attorneys pulled out their cell phones and began sending text messages to their secretaries telling them to cancel their morning appointments.

The judge called for a recess and invited us back to his chambers. Our attorneys were ordered not to accompany us.

"Listen," he said, "I have a solution. We are going back into court. Just follow my lead." Could we say no? I didn't think so. He pushed us out the door into the court room.

The judge followed us a few minutes later. He began solemnly, "After reviewing the facts and consulting both parties I have negotiated a settlement that they have agreed to." We had? My attorney gave me this look. You know the one that says: you got yourself into this mess, not me.

"As a judge in divorce court, I have heard flimsy excuses for couples to split. And personally I am against the no-fault divorce law in our Commonwealth. However, for the first time I have come across true irreconcilable differences in my court room.

"Adultery can be forgiven, just ask Hillary Clinton, but a spouse that hides his or her investment preferences prior to their marriage cannot. Fortunately, in the case before me, neither side knowingly covered up his/her investment orientation. Therefore, with the powers invested in me, I hereby grant their divorce.

"I am, however, outraged by the attorneys who profited from these clients and raised hopes that their differences might be overcome. I hereby order that all attorneys fees be returned and be placed into a trust fund for the children. I am also issuing a bench warrant for the arrest of the marriage counselor who bilked these two fine people of thousands of dollars in counseling fees in an ill-conceived plot to keep them together.

"Only one question remains, how to invest these funds to ensure an appropriate nest egg for the children. Before I rule, excuse me for a personal digression. Many years ago, while I was in law school at Columbia, I was fortunate to room with Warren Buffett. He was studying for his MBA. (Harvard had been dumb enough to have rejected his application.) I just gave him a call and told him of the case I was ruling on. In his typical homespun manner he said that he could not tell me how to rule on the legal issues. However, he strongly recommended that the trust fund for the children be invested in index funds.

"Now who am I, to disagree with The Sage of Omaha? I hereby rule that the children's trust be invested only in index funds."

Hesh Reinfeld writes a syndicated business humor column. You can read additional examples of his columns on his website: http://www.heshreinfeld.com Or contact him at http://www.heshreinfeld.com

executive chauffeured services Bradford .. Madison to Airport car

In The News:

Getting virus alerts on your iPhone? Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson helps you learn how to handle fake scam alerts and boost security.

Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson says opening emails is safe, but risks arise from interacting with links, attachments or HTML content.

Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson reveals four signs of compromised Social Security numbers and offers five steps to protect yourself.

Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson discusses how MAB Robotics' Honey Badger 4.0, a versatile robot, now walks underwater with amphibious skills.

An updated Android trojan called FakeCall hijacks bank calls. Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson says Android phone manufacturers and Google need to step up their game on security.

The Massimo Modular E9 is a sleek, smart and comfy tiny home in 409 square feet. Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson takes a closer look at what the future of housing might look like.

Every stock trader should consider a virtual private network to safeguard their trading, according to tech guru Kurt "CyberGuy" Knutsson.

Apple recently announced its new lineup of Macs and rolled out Apple Intelligence, its latest artificial intelligence-powered feature for its products.

A Swiss-engineered robot can climb ladders, showing why it's at the cutting edge of autonomous robotic solutions for harsh industrial settings.

Kurt "CyberGuy" Knutsson presents the cities targeted most by robocalls, why this is happening and what you can do about it to protect your privacy.

Stay up to date on the latest AI technology advancements and learn about the challenges and opportunities AI presents

Kurt "CyberGuy" Knutsson shares tips and suggestions for how to get the best use out of the updated Calendar app available with the latest iOS update.

Your Social Security number, your unique identifier used for many purposes, has likely been leaked on the Dark Web; here are some steps you can take to protect yourself.

Researchers have developed a new technology that creates strong, sticky fibers capable of lifting objects and capturing things from a distance.

Smart rings track the same things that smartwatches do, including steps, sleep and a general overview of your overall health, and they tend have more battery life than smartwatches.

Researchers have developed a robotic finger that can perform routine medical exams like those conducted by doctors, helping to address the growing shortage of trained professionals.

Stay up to date on the latest AI technology advancements and learn about the challenges and opportunities AI presents now and for the future.

Insurance administrative services company Landmark Admin reported that a data breach from a May cyberattack affected over 800,000 people.

Sotheby's will auction the first artwork created by Ai-Da, the world's first robot artist created in 2019 by British gallerist Aidan Meller.

More than 250 million users of the Verizon Messages app will have to switch to another app. Verizon is shutting down Messages in the next month.

Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson provides a list of 10 celebrities who are the most targeted by deepfake scams, including Tom Hanks.

Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson discusses how Vast's Haven-1, launching in 2025, transforms space living with human-centric design.

UnitedHealth confirms over 100 million Change Healthcare users had their data stolen. Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson reveals what happened and what caused the breach.

Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson explains how iOS 18 brings new text formatting and animated effects to the Messages app.

Whether you're a social media veteran or novice, Facebook friend request scams are common. Kurt the CyberGuy provides tips to keep your account safe.

Portfolio Planning can Lead to Irreconcilable Differences

Personal Finance