Home
>
Parenting
>
The Post-Holiday Blues In Stepfamilies

The Post-Holiday Blues In Stepfamilies

In stepfamilies, big holiday expectations can lead to big disappointment--and post-holiday blues, says Susan Wisdom, a licensed professional counselor and co-author of "Stepcoupling."

As a stepmom, I know about expectations. Every year, just before the holidays, I start thinking about how to recreate Christmas Eve at my grandmother's house. In her big two-story home, my family and I crowded into her dining room and kitchen with about two dozen relatives. We munched on turkey, cranberries and dressing, then topped off the meal with my grandma's home-made cookies. With my 14 siblings and cousins, I played board games while my dad and uncles stomped around on the roof, yelling "Santa's coming!" much to our delight.

With these memories, it's easy to begin the holidays with huge expectations about what I want for my stepfamily. And it's easy to end the holidays with some sadness over how difficult it was to re-create the magic of my childhood.

"There are so many expectations and the hype is so big," says Wisdom. "It can be a real setup. In reality, Christmas is not perfect in traditional families. There's a lot of stress."

If your family is like ours, you may spend a lot of time negotiating with ex-spouses over who gets which kids--and when-- during the holidays. And if you family is like ours, you may be disappointed when kids announce they've already decorated two Christmas trees at their step-relatives' and refuse to do one more. Or they may arrive at your house exhausted from their "first" Christmas at the "other" house and may prefer napping to opening gifts.

In addition, a stepchild may reject a stepparent, Wisdom says. Adults may drink too much and behave in ways they later regret. A child's biological parent may complain that a stepparent has more money to spend on gifts, creating tension between a child's two homes.

As Shauna Haley, a stepmom in Portland, Oregon, says, "The holidays this year were such a painful reminder of our stepfamily situation-and how little influence I have on my stepdaughter's life." Her stepdaughter lives in another state, and only visited for a few days after Christmas this year. Haley had big dreams over how she would spend those few days with her stepdaughter, then was crushed when her dreams weren't realized and her stepdaughter was homesick.

To help stepfamilies cope with such disappointment, Wisdom recommends that parents begin by doing some "patch up work" after the holiday season. Talk to your spouse, ex-spouse and children about the issues that came up during the holidays.

"Reach out to your own children and each other's children. Understand what they were dealing with. Forgive them for fights or bad attitudes or moments of sibling rivalry that happen during the holidays under stress," Wisdom says. "Stepcouples need to be available to each other and to the children more than ever. This can be a hard time. Make amends, make apologies."

If parents find it difficult to talk with ex-spouses, this may be a good time to go to counseling with ex-spouses about the many issues that come up during the holidays, she says.

After trying to discuss the holidays with everyone involved, parents in stepfamilies should examine their expectations and consider toning them down next year. Wisdom recommends:

Keep it simple. Don't stress out. Perfectionism is not the goal. Peace and serenity are more important!

Don't over-commit. Your kids need you--not the 25 gifts you don't have time to wrap. Don't overload on activities, food and drink.

Plan ahead. Talk with your spouse about how you want to celebrate next year. Talk with your children's other biological parents about how to share holidays with your children.

Coordinate with ex-spouses over gift giving.

Keep old traditions and establish new ones.

Be flexible and cultivate a sense of humor. Laugh about the time your dog lapped up the spilled pudding!

In an effort to follow the above advice, I try to joke about the fact that my 16-year-old prefers his stepmom's cooking during the holidays. "She bakes pies and lets me eat milk products," he likes to tell me, with a smile in his eyes. Rather than donning an apron and gorging my son with sweets and allergy-producing foods, I remind him of the time my holiday squash cannon-balled out of the oven! That memory always makes us laugh, which is indeed a great antidote to the post-holiday blues.

Writer Lisa Cohn is co-author of "One Family, Two Family, New Family: Stories and Advice For Stepfamilies," which is a 2004 Gold National Parenting Publications Award winner. For more information, visit her at http://www.stepfamilyadvice.com.

limousine service Round Lake .. Lockport Chicago limo O’Hare

In The News:

Kurt "CyberGuy" Knutsson shares several easy ways to keep your credit cards safe from digital thieves while you're traveling this summer.

Arcturus sets up cameras around the edges of baseball stadiums to capture real-time action and generate a 3D digital clone of the game.

Stay up to date on the latest AI technology advancements and learn about the challenges and opportunities AI presents now and for the future.

The CyberGuy explains why healthcare organizations are vulnerable to hackers after there have been a half dozen data breaches this year.

Developed at two California universities, the innovative technology combines brain-computer interfaces with advanced AI to decode neural activity into audible speech.

Microsoft patches 12 critical flaws, but six have already been exploited by criminals. Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson says updating your system is only a short-term fix.

Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson discusses how robots can milk, feed and clean cows on dairy farms, boosting efficiency and comfort.

Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson says quantum internet ensures unhackable security and redefines online privacy and speed.

Kawasaki's CORLEO is a hydrogen-powered, AI-driven rideable robot. Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson reports on this new way of thinking about off-road transportation.

The CyberGuy breaks down five mobile privacy terms that could make a difference when it comes to keeping your personal information safe.

A groundbreaking robot that's like a real-life Wall-E uses advanced artificial intelligence to replicate natural gestures and deliberate actions with striking accuracy.

If not properly managed, Windows Defender Application Control, a security feature with Windows, could be a potential security vulnerability.

Stay up to date on the latest AI technology advancements and learn about the challenges and opportunities AI presents now and for the future.

FlashBot Arm, a semi-humanoid robot, acts more like a human than traditional robots, and you may see it working at a restaurant, healthcare center or hotel.

There are multiple ways to find your missing Android phone after it goes missing. One method involves using a smartwatch to ping your phone.

The NeuroOne OneRF Ablation System is a new device with FDA-cleared technology designed for both diagnosing and treating neurological disorders in one procedure.

The CyberGuy provides tips to protect yourself from criminals who use various methods to make unauthorized transactions using your account information.

New drone technology maps land and water with stunning accuracy, giving researchers and conservationists a new way to understand our planet.

Stay up to date on the latest AI technology advancements and learn about the challenges and opportunities AI presents now and for the future.

X hit with massive data breach with 200 million records leaked, including emails. Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson offers seven tips to help protect yourself.

Atlas robot by Boston Dynamics amazes tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson with its breakdancing moves.

Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson talks about how Google kept Android SafetyCore details quiet until it scanned users' photos.

Hydrogen trucks debut in Georgia, sparking debates on costs and green freight gains. Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson comments on this promising chapter in green logistics evolution.

Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson says ChatGPT learns from chats, but you should avoid sharing sensitive information to protect your privacy.

Beyond Aero's BYA-1: Hydrogen-electric jet with zero emissions, reduced costs, 2030 launch. Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson discusses a potential game changer in the evolution of air travel.