Most of us really don't like it when someone is angry at us. We don't like it when people go into resistance to helping us when we need help, instead of caring about us. We don't like it when people withdraw from us, disconnecting from us and shutting us out. We don't like it when people make demands on us and do not respect our right or need to say no. Many of us will do almost anything to avoid the soul loneliness and pain we feel when people treat us in angry, resistant, demanding and uncaring ways.
It takes great courage to stay loving to ourselves and others when faced with others' angry and closed behavior. It especially take courage when the people we are dealing with are our own children. Yet unless we have the courage to come up against our children's anger, resistance, and withdrawal, we will give ourselves up and not take care of ourselves to avoid their uncaring reactions. The more we deny our own truth and our own needs and feelings, the more our children will disrespect and discount us. Our children become a mirror of our own behavior, discounting us when we discount ourselves, disrespecting us when we disrespect ourselves. The more we give ourselves up to avoid our children's unloving behavior toward us, the more we become objectified as the all-giving and loving parent who doesn't need anything for ourselves. When we do this, we are role-modeling being a caretaker.
On the other hand, it is unloving to ourselves and our children to expect our children to take responsibility for our well-being. It is unloving to demand that our children give themselves up to prove their love for us and to pacify our fears. It is unloving to demand that they be the way we want them to be rather than who they are. It is unloving to set limits just to make us feel safe, rather than limits that support their health and safety. When we behave in this way, we are role-modeling being a taker.
The challenge of good parenting is to find the balanced between being there for our children and being there for ourselves, as well as the balance between freedom and responsibility - to be personally responsible to ourselves rather than be a taker or a caretaker.
Our decisions need to be based on what is in the highest good of our children as well as ourselves. If a child wants something that is not in our highest good to give, then it is not loving to give it. If we want something that is not in the highest good of our children, then it is not loving for us to expect it. It is loving to support our children's freedom to choose what they want and to be themselves, as long as it doesn't mean giving ourselves up. Children do not learn responsible behavior toward others when their parents discount their own needs and feelings to support what their children want. Our own freedom to choose what we want and to be ourselves needs to be just as important to us as our children's freedom and desires.
On the other hand, if we always put our needs before our children's, we are behaving in a self-centered, narcissistic way that limits our children's freedom. We are training our children to be caretakers, to give themselves up for other's needs and not consider their own.
The challenge of loving parenting is to role-model behavior that is personally responsible, rather than being a taker or caretaker. This is our best chance for bringing up personally responsible children. However, we need to remember that we can do everything "right" as a parent, but our children are on their own path, their own soul's journey. They will make their own choices to be loving or unloving, responsible or irresponsible. We can influence their choices, but we can't control them. They have free will, just as we do, to choose who they want to be each moment of their lives. All we can do is the very best we can to role-model loving, personally responsible behavior - behavior that supports our own and our children's highest good.
About The Author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or http://www.innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
apartment cleaning near Highland Park ..1. Make stronger connections among individuals and, therefore, creates a... Read More
Why Is Spending Time with Your Child So Important?For children... Read More
I was in the life insurance sales industry for over... Read More
Looking back through my files I've come across several great... Read More
We all know that using cloth nappies is best for... Read More
Home, home on the range, Where never is heard A... Read More
1. They are leaders as well as parents. They don't... Read More
'I felt great until I walked into the classroom -... Read More
10 Fun Things You Can Do With Your Children this... Read More
"My son won't go to bed at night without a... Read More
Seven-year old Michael was on a school trip to a... Read More
Everyone in a private practice setting who works with children... Read More
Life is full of competition -- even in childhood. Kids... Read More
Q. What is the best way to teach safety awareness... Read More
Successful parents have learned to be both firm and kind... Read More
Dear Sir, It was with some interest that I read... Read More
When it comes to exams, or indeed any academic work,... Read More
I recall somewhere in the recesses of my aging brain... Read More
If you're looking for toys that are both fun to... Read More
An apology is a sign of strength, not weakness. Sometimes... Read More
The 21st Century Problem in Schools: Bullying, and How to... Read More
It's sometimes difficult to find ways to be involved with... Read More
So, the thing is? I am feeling a little guilty.I... Read More
Did you know that over 75% of teens aged 16-17... Read More
What's in a name? Er?well, everything, really! Of course your... Read More
cleaning lady near Arlington Heights ..Throughout the year, many days of celebration are tucked capriciously... Read More
21 Reasons I Love Being A DadWhat you will read... Read More
MYTH: All teens have to rebel, and the teen years... Read More
Having been a parent educator and a PBS consultant for... Read More
How excited do kids get with the start of school... Read More
Is your babysitter watching the kids and your k9 family... Read More
Life is funny.My twenty-year-old daughter, Melanie, has a her new... Read More
Q. Things have been relatively calm and OK with our... Read More
When a couple steps forth with a baby in tow... Read More
Courage means doing the right thing when it is hard,... Read More
Loving your step-child can be both simple and hard. It... Read More
What is hard for parentsLetting them learn from their mistakes.Trying... Read More
Libraries offer more than books. They are places of learning... Read More
Did you know that you are the most important person... Read More
There are times when my ideas of raising a child... Read More
Do you have a wild child? Then this article may... Read More
One of the most powerful tools that parents have for... Read More
Isn't the technology of today is amazing?! Between the speed... Read More
Do you remember how you first learned the alphabet? I... Read More
Choosing to leave your child with a caregiver is one... Read More
In 1996-97 we were contracted by VAXA International of Tampa,... Read More
A while ago I received this story from David in... Read More
This may come as a surprise.But despite all the advances... Read More
Angie was brought up by rigid, authoritarian parents who kept... Read More
Some public schools try to turn children against their parents... Read More
Parenting |