Most of us really don't like it when someone is angry at us. We don't like it when people go into resistance to helping us when we need help, instead of caring about us. We don't like it when people withdraw from us, disconnecting from us and shutting us out. We don't like it when people make demands on us and do not respect our right or need to say no. Many of us will do almost anything to avoid the soul loneliness and pain we feel when people treat us in angry, resistant, demanding and uncaring ways.
It takes great courage to stay loving to ourselves and others when faced with others' angry and closed behavior. It especially take courage when the people we are dealing with are our own children. Yet unless we have the courage to come up against our children's anger, resistance, and withdrawal, we will give ourselves up and not take care of ourselves to avoid their uncaring reactions. The more we deny our own truth and our own needs and feelings, the more our children will disrespect and discount us. Our children become a mirror of our own behavior, discounting us when we discount ourselves, disrespecting us when we disrespect ourselves. The more we give ourselves up to avoid our children's unloving behavior toward us, the more we become objectified as the all-giving and loving parent who doesn't need anything for ourselves. When we do this, we are role-modeling being a caretaker.
On the other hand, it is unloving to ourselves and our children to expect our children to take responsibility for our well-being. It is unloving to demand that our children give themselves up to prove their love for us and to pacify our fears. It is unloving to demand that they be the way we want them to be rather than who they are. It is unloving to set limits just to make us feel safe, rather than limits that support their health and safety. When we behave in this way, we are role-modeling being a taker.
The challenge of good parenting is to find the balanced between being there for our children and being there for ourselves, as well as the balance between freedom and responsibility - to be personally responsible to ourselves rather than be a taker or a caretaker.
Our decisions need to be based on what is in the highest good of our children as well as ourselves. If a child wants something that is not in our highest good to give, then it is not loving to give it. If we want something that is not in the highest good of our children, then it is not loving for us to expect it. It is loving to support our children's freedom to choose what they want and to be themselves, as long as it doesn't mean giving ourselves up. Children do not learn responsible behavior toward others when their parents discount their own needs and feelings to support what their children want. Our own freedom to choose what we want and to be ourselves needs to be just as important to us as our children's freedom and desires.
On the other hand, if we always put our needs before our children's, we are behaving in a self-centered, narcissistic way that limits our children's freedom. We are training our children to be caretakers, to give themselves up for other's needs and not consider their own.
The challenge of loving parenting is to role-model behavior that is personally responsible, rather than being a taker or caretaker. This is our best chance for bringing up personally responsible children. However, we need to remember that we can do everything "right" as a parent, but our children are on their own path, their own soul's journey. They will make their own choices to be loving or unloving, responsible or irresponsible. We can influence their choices, but we can't control them. They have free will, just as we do, to choose who they want to be each moment of their lives. All we can do is the very best we can to role-model loving, personally responsible behavior - behavior that supports our own and our children's highest good.
About The Author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or http://www.innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
Wood Dale Chicago prom limo .. Lockport Chicago limo O’HareIf you really want to get your children to eat... Read More
No matter what you say or do, your kids will... Read More
Does your child pout, blame and brood? Does he gripe,... Read More
There are a few points about shyness in children which... Read More
What one word best sums up summer fun? Water. I... Read More
Any parent whose baby has suffered from colic can tell... Read More
Are you feeling overwhelmed being a parent? Do you want... Read More
It's no joy to be sick. It's even less joy... Read More
As a parent you will be asked to assist with... Read More
We begin forming healthy habits at a young age. With... Read More
You need to smart to be able influence adolescents. You... Read More
"How many times do I have to tell you to... Read More
Bedtime and children's sleep habits can cause nightmares - for... Read More
1. Boundaries are necessary for control and safety.All children need... Read More
How would you like to have a closer relationship with... Read More
One reason public schools get away with educational failure, year... Read More
The human brain never actually stops developing. Beginning formation in... Read More
Child tantrums are a way for children to express their... Read More
Once upon a time, I thought I had it all.... Read More
It is so important to create an environment that promotes... Read More
Recess has begun disappearing in states all around the country.... Read More
My kids ask me all the time to take them... Read More
Looking for an unusual and memorable gift? Why not preserve... Read More
Search for Assurance: The Power of BelongingThe job hunt is... Read More
A common theme over the past 20 years has been... Read More
Antigo wedding limo ..As a step daughter and step grand daughter, I followed... Read More
Q: Whenever we tell my daughter "no," she just bugs... Read More
As a hypnotherapist, I am acutely aware of the power... Read More
We've got spirit, yes we do! We've got spirit how... Read More
"He is happiest, be he king or peasant, who finds... Read More
You know that children can get into trouble. The older... Read More
Winifred or Willow? Thomas or Troy? The name you choose... Read More
College is one of the largest expenses through the course... Read More
Not Letting Them Think.We all implicitly know that anything questioning... Read More
In the wonderment of childhood, it is easier for a... Read More
As parents, we love our children and want to do... Read More
Does this sound familiar? Have your kids not listened to... Read More
My oldest boy is fifteen and was a real jerk... Read More
Q. "What do you want to be when you grow... Read More
There are moments in a parent's or grandparent's life, when... Read More
Seven-year old Michael was on a school trip to a... Read More
Is Homework Really That Important?Dear Friends,I no longer teach in... Read More
Parents of hyperactive children know the "Would you please just... Read More
Article based on a friend's experienceI just wanted to share... Read More
Although many children are picky eaters at some stage in... Read More
Before my daughter was born my house was... Read More
My husband and I have a 12-year-old daughter who wanted... Read More
Levels of SafetyBy teaching our children there are different levels... Read More
When I was pregnant, we knew that we had some... Read More
Moms and dads, are there times you think that parenting... Read More
Parenting |