Having worked with parents for the last 35 years and written books on parenting and relationships, I've discovered that one of the greatest challenges for us as parents is to be loving role-models for our children, showing our children through our behavior how to take personal responsibility for their own feelings and needs. Our children need to learn from our role-modeling how to nurture themselves within and how to create a sense of safety in the world. In families where both a mother and father are present, both parents can participate in nurturing the child emotionally and taking care of the child in the world, and both parents can role-model what it looks like to do this for themselves.
Single parents have a far greater challenge - they have to be both mother and father to the child. Mothering energy is that energy that nurtures while fathering energy is that energy that protects in the world - that is, earning money, setting boundaries with others, speaking up for oneself. While our society often defines women as the nurturers and men as the protectors, both men and women are capable of both nurturing and protecting in the world.
In order for a single parent to successfully be both mother and father, he or she must have learned how to be both mother and father to the Child within. In other words, we have to have learned how to nurture our own Inner Child - how to take responsibility for our own fears, pain, anger, hurt, and disappointment, and how to take care of our Inner Child in the world - earn money, set boundaries, and so on. There is no way to successfully teach our children these skills until we are doing them ourselves, which means that each of us needs to be in a process of learning how to do this.
We have developed a process that teaches us how to care for and nurture ourselves, while also loving others. This process, called Inner Bonding, teaches us how to become a loving Adult to our own Inner Child and to our actual children. Inner Bonding is a six-step psychospiritual process that can be learned and practiced daily, and that leads to the development of a spiritually-connected loving inner Adult.
Inner Bonding defines the Inner Child as our core self, who we are when we are born - our natural creativity, intuition, playfulness, imagination, talents, feelings, and ability to love. Our Child is our inner experience. Our Adult is everything we learn after we are born. It is our thoughts, beliefs, and ability to take action. We start learning how to be an Adult from the moment we are born through watching our parents and other caregivers. The Adult we learn to be is a child-adult, the part of us that learned many fears and false beliefs and learned addictive ways, such as using substances, TV, spending, anger, or compliance to avoid pain. A true loving Adult is that part of us that is spiritually connected to a Higher Source of truth and love and is able to bring that truth and love down into the Child and share it with others. The adult many of us operate from most of the time is really a wounded child masquerading as an adult. It is our unhealed wounded self that causes us problems with ourselves and our children. Inner Bonding is a process for healing the wounded self and developing a spiritually-connected loving Adult.
In Inner Bonding, there are only two possible intents at any given moment: the intent to learn about love and the intent to protect against and avoid pain. The intent to learn says that we want to learn about our own pain in order to understand what we need to do to be loving to our Inner Child and others; The intent to protect says that we want to avoid experiencing our pain at all cost. The child-adult is always in the intent to protect and the loving Adult is always in the intent to learn.
The six-steps of Inner Bonding are:
1. The willingness to become aware of our pain rather than protect against it with our various addictions.
2. The conscious decision to move into the intent to learn.
3. Dialoguing with our wounded self to discover the false beliefs and resulting behavior behind the pain. Releasing anger and pain in appropriate ways.
4. Dialoguing with our Higher Power to learn about truth and loving behavior.
5. Taking loving action in behalf or our Inner Child.
6. Evaluating the action.
All parents needs to be in a process of healing themselves. It is particularly important for single parents to be in this process since they are the primary role-models for their children. The more you heal the fears and false beliefs of your wounded self, the more loving you will naturally be with yourself and your children. Learning to utilize these six step throughout the day, especially in times of anger, fear, anxiety and stress, will eventually heal the false beliefs leading to these difficult feelings.
About The Author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or http://www.innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
recurring cleaning service Mundelein .."The greatest gift I ever had Came from God, and... Read More
Why Is Spending Time with Your Child So Important?For children... Read More
As I sit here and reflect on the past two... Read More
Working with adults (as well as children and teens) for... Read More
the woes of being a parent of an ADHD child.....Like... Read More
One fantastic way to get your children involved in what... Read More
I look out of the window as I am writing... Read More
Assuming there are no serious motor problems present, what can... Read More
"I wipe my baby's chin with my college diploma and... Read More
Today the little red school house is not what it... Read More
It's that time again! Parent-teacher conferences are coming. Are you... Read More
"Money is tight, and my husband's obsessed with doing everything... Read More
My name is Duncan and I'm 2 years old. I... Read More
Now I know that is not how the song goes,... Read More
When my firstborn arrived into this serene and peaceful household,... Read More
Some people can concentrate on an assignment, to the exclusion... Read More
You no longer have to use Ritalin or other stimulants... Read More
The most common medications used in the treatment of Attention... Read More
I never dreamed that I would be in a position... Read More
The internet is a dangerous place for your children. Don't... Read More
Since so many would rather avoid the use of stimulant... Read More
I have a bit of a different response than most... Read More
You are at the grocery store with your daughter and... Read More
A tall, weary-looking mother with glasses, walked into my counseling... Read More
There is nothing quite like hiking with small children. The... Read More
tidy up service Buffalo Grove ..When your child shows signs of potty training readiness, it's... Read More
College is one of the largest expenses through the course... Read More
My wife and I have been working on a video... Read More
Often I have heard that leaders are born, not made.... Read More
In his recent newsletter "Happy Kids", parenting expert Michael Grose... Read More
Annie easily slipped into becoming the sole caregiver of her... Read More
Are you a parent concerned about passing values on to... Read More
Do you remember how you first learned the alphabet? I... Read More
"What age should my child start school?"This is a common... Read More
If you are currently homeschooling or considering homeschooling your child,... Read More
As a mom of 4 who's youngest child is about... Read More
The main thing we noticed since having a baby is... Read More
The first year of a child's life is the most... Read More
How in the world do you get your child to... Read More
'Picky Eater' is a label coined to describe the phenomenon... Read More
Is it hard to communicate with your teenager about issues... Read More
Do you want your child to cooperate with you more?Children... Read More
A while ago I received this story from David in... Read More
In elementary school it's pretty straightforward: bringing in cupcakes to... Read More
How do we deal with our seriously distressed children and... Read More
The brightly colored plastic mobile dangles lazily overhead in the... Read More
Something happened the other day that made me feel uneasy.... Read More
Mealtimes together deserve an important place in any family. Around... Read More
Most people with children want to be good parents. The... Read More
Paula's last child had just gone off to college and... Read More
Parenting |