So, the thing is? I am feeling a little guilty.
I know, I know, what's new? I'm like the travel agent for guilt trips. Right now I'm feeling a little guilty because I am so madly in love with my little Smiley Jane, who turns two-years-old today. I mean, REALLY crazy about her. I can't keep my hands off of her. Her smile just lights up my whole world and that laugh-gosh, if I could bottle that baby deep-belly laugh, I would be the richest woman in the world. It's hard to capture the essence of Jane's personality with words. I can't really describe that sense of perpetual motion, that blinding smile. It's like she is lit from within, and I think that light is joy and enthusiasm and awe for this world. She's so loving and so happy (even with that awesome temper) and then you add that baby skin and that wall-to-wall smile and the next thing you know, I am feeling guilty!
I can remember going through this phase with Ana (now four-and-a-half) too, although she was never quite so over-the top at loving me back as Jane is. But there was no need to feel guilty because she was my first. I just totally indulged myself in a big crush on my girl. But with Jane, there's this vague sense that maybe I'm being somehow unfair. Like maybe my infatuation with her takes something away from Ana.
And it's true, you know. I am NOT madly infatuated with Ana at the moment. I LOVE her and I appreciate her and I marvel at her but it's also her job to push my buttons. She's good at it. The whining thing. The testing thing. The negotiating thing. The monitoring my speed limit when I drive thing. I can honestly (albeit ashamedly) say that when she goes to school, I am a little relieved. It's just hard with her right now. She's four going on about thirteen, and she ignores me half the time and is cheeky another fourth of the time and then she's so completely wonderful and loving and funny the other fourth that I feel MORE guilt.
Oh, but that Hurricane Jane! I miss her if she's merely taking a long nap. Sometimes when I go in to check on her at night and I see her, asleep in her mermaid pajamas and her little rump up in the air, I have to stop myself from picking her up, just to feel her little baby self. She's so compact at this age. She hugs so well. I am getting some real one-on-one time with her now that Ana's in school in the mornings. And she's just CHARMING.
I took her to the playground the other day and she wanted me to swing on the big girl swing next to her. "That's GREAT swinging, Mama!" she said, encouragingly. (I love the way she always uses everyone's proper names when she is addressing them.) A little bit later, as we sat on the playscape and looked at the full moon still visible in the sky, she turned to me, blue eyes grave and awed. "Boo-ful. It's boo-ful, Mama." I gazed back at her, afraid my heart would burst. "Yes, Jane. It is. Beautiful."
I think part of appreciating Jane so much is that I know now how fleeting these days are. Every wonderful stage gives way to something else, and where once I cradled her and leaned over her as she took her first steps, now I'm watching her run away from me into her own world. And after Ana, I knew this was coming, so all the times Jane runs into my arms become that much more precious. I give myself permission to enjoy the view of her little naked behind and the funny way she confuses her pronouns. ("Hold you? Hold you, Mama?") She's given to spontaneously saying, "I luff you, Mama." But I know. I know the day is coming when it will be gone, the last vestiges of her babyhood, almost without me even noticing.
Sometimes I watch Ana in this new role as my Independent Big Girl and I just want so much to reach out and pull her into my lap and hold her for a long while. I want to tell her I'm on her side. But I can't. She wouldn't stand for it (or believe me, for that matter.) The other night she came out of her room after bedtime on some pretext and when I tucked her back in, I kissed her.
She wiped my kiss off.
I guess this is a normal rite of passage, but must they all be such heartbreakers? I thought I was allotted a period of time when I got to be the hero -- what happened? This past summer, after I'd said "No" to her about something, she wanted to go to the grocery store and find a new family and go home with THEM. (I wish I could say I responded with sensitive probing about her feelings but instead I said, "Okay, as soon as you find a new family, I'll drive you right to their house.") The teenage years loom large.
So you can see why I prefer, ever so slightly, the uncomplicated relationship I share with the little Hurricane. She who still craves my presence and hugs me with abandon and misses me when I'm away. She who spontaneously started to YODEL in the grocery store a few months ago. (Seriously!) She, who is so responsive to my slightest touch. Who is silly just to make me laugh. Who likes to wear my shoes.
Maybe the first two years or so of a child's life are given to us as gifts ?so we have a firm foundation of holding them closely that will withstand the next sixteen years of them distancing themselves from us. As Graham Green said, "There is always a moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in." I don't actually know that this is the start of the third year, but it would make sense.
I don't really want Jane to stay a baby ?there are many other wonderful milestones along the way to adulthood. But I am enjoying every minute of it while I can (albeit with a small amount of guilt.)
Happy birthday, Smiley Jane. May you always have that sparkle in your eye and that yodel in your heart.
Babies are such a nice way to start people. ~Don Herrold
To subscribe or unsubscribe to this free e-mail newsletter, send e-mail to barb@sothethingis.com. (Your address will not be used for any other purpose.) If you would like to forward this column on, please do so in its entirety. Feedback welcome. Back issues can be found at barb@sothethingis.com.
(c) Barbara Cooper 2002
About The Author
Barb Cooper is the mother of Ana (4.5) and Jane (TWO) and this newsletter entitled "So, the thing is.... She lives in Austin, Texas.
Wood Dale Chicago prom limo .. Lockport Chicago limo O’HareEver blown your top to your children, only to regret... Read More
Parents of hyperactive children know the "Would you please just... Read More
1. You reheated the same cup of coffee three times... Read More
Why are more people, especially parents not outraged?I call it... Read More
Here are ten simple pleasures you can enjoy with your... Read More
Many years ago, my children were raised on the various... Read More
To protect children's self-esteem or deflect complaints by parents, many... Read More
I have three children, ages 19 and 16 (yes, the... Read More
Parental example, whether for good or for bad, is undoubtedly... Read More
Becoming a stepmother can undoubtedly be one of the most... Read More
Potty training fears, often called toilet terrors, are common among... Read More
When a parent is deployed with the military it can... Read More
An Awesome Dad in by no means perfect. But that... Read More
What Children Look for in a Friend?Is this child fun... Read More
For any parent, learning that a convicted sex offender lives... Read More
Do you want to create a deeper, more loving relationship... Read More
Children explore the world around them and learn through pretend... Read More
Most research into children's friendships shows that those children who... Read More
When you talk about multiply your child's intelligence, you can't... Read More
Here are fourteen spontaneous time-outs, specially designed to help you... Read More
Is it hard to communicate with your teenager about issues... Read More
"All that I am or ever hope to be, I... Read More
The law of -ing.The law of -ing refers to a... Read More
The school holidays are a great time for the kids,... Read More
As parents, we strive to address all of the questions... Read More
Antigo wedding limo ..We need a grass roots campaign targeted towards parents to... Read More
When I was pregnant, we knew that we had some... Read More
What parent hasn't gone into a son's or daughter's room... Read More
There are so many learning labels floating around these days... Read More
Oh yes you have! Suddenly, "Where's Bobby?" You instantly realize... Read More
What is the mystery of motherhood? I know that when... Read More
"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think... Read More
The human brain never actually stops developing. Beginning formation in... Read More
What you say and do about money has a profound... Read More
You send your child to school and the teachers teach... Read More
Your daughter tells you that Uncle Charley has touched her... Read More
The time you will need to teach your children the... Read More
In the last few years, parents started getting more and... Read More
Choosing a baby name is an important job, so make... Read More
How on earth can you help your family cope with... Read More
Q. With the school year just beginning, what can we... Read More
Recently, a much-anticipated game of mini-golf with my children soon... Read More
Since so many would rather avoid the use of stimulant... Read More
All responsible parents would want to support their children, find... Read More
Do you ever wonder what is behind the occasional nasty... Read More
Q. What's the right age to start giving a Bible... Read More
If your parenting methods include abuse of any kind; physical,... Read More
In today's fast-paced society, many families depend on some form... Read More
Well first off, please to don't institute the ? hour... Read More
Parents of teenagers frequently ask what can be done to... Read More
Parenting |