Home
>
Parenting
>
So, The Thing Is... Im Feeling A Little Guilty

So, The Thing Is... Im Feeling A Little Guilty

So, the thing is? I am feeling a little guilty.

I know, I know, what's new? I'm like the travel agent for guilt trips. Right now I'm feeling a little guilty because I am so madly in love with my little Smiley Jane, who turns two-years-old today. I mean, REALLY crazy about her. I can't keep my hands off of her. Her smile just lights up my whole world and that laugh-gosh, if I could bottle that baby deep-belly laugh, I would be the richest woman in the world. It's hard to capture the essence of Jane's personality with words. I can't really describe that sense of perpetual motion, that blinding smile. It's like she is lit from within, and I think that light is joy and enthusiasm and awe for this world. She's so loving and so happy (even with that awesome temper) and then you add that baby skin and that wall-to-wall smile and the next thing you know, I am feeling guilty!

I can remember going through this phase with Ana (now four-and-a-half) too, although she was never quite so over-the top at loving me back as Jane is. But there was no need to feel guilty because she was my first. I just totally indulged myself in a big crush on my girl. But with Jane, there's this vague sense that maybe I'm being somehow unfair. Like maybe my infatuation with her takes something away from Ana.

And it's true, you know. I am NOT madly infatuated with Ana at the moment. I LOVE her and I appreciate her and I marvel at her but it's also her job to push my buttons. She's good at it. The whining thing. The testing thing. The negotiating thing. The monitoring my speed limit when I drive thing. I can honestly (albeit ashamedly) say that when she goes to school, I am a little relieved. It's just hard with her right now. She's four going on about thirteen, and she ignores me half the time and is cheeky another fourth of the time and then she's so completely wonderful and loving and funny the other fourth that I feel MORE guilt.

Oh, but that Hurricane Jane! I miss her if she's merely taking a long nap. Sometimes when I go in to check on her at night and I see her, asleep in her mermaid pajamas and her little rump up in the air, I have to stop myself from picking her up, just to feel her little baby self. She's so compact at this age. She hugs so well. I am getting some real one-on-one time with her now that Ana's in school in the mornings. And she's just CHARMING.

I took her to the playground the other day and she wanted me to swing on the big girl swing next to her. "That's GREAT swinging, Mama!" she said, encouragingly. (I love the way she always uses everyone's proper names when she is addressing them.) A little bit later, as we sat on the playscape and looked at the full moon still visible in the sky, she turned to me, blue eyes grave and awed. "Boo-ful. It's boo-ful, Mama." I gazed back at her, afraid my heart would burst. "Yes, Jane. It is. Beautiful."

I think part of appreciating Jane so much is that I know now how fleeting these days are. Every wonderful stage gives way to something else, and where once I cradled her and leaned over her as she took her first steps, now I'm watching her run away from me into her own world. And after Ana, I knew this was coming, so all the times Jane runs into my arms become that much more precious. I give myself permission to enjoy the view of her little naked behind and the funny way she confuses her pronouns. ("Hold you? Hold you, Mama?") She's given to spontaneously saying, "I luff you, Mama." But I know. I know the day is coming when it will be gone, the last vestiges of her babyhood, almost without me even noticing.

Sometimes I watch Ana in this new role as my Independent Big Girl and I just want so much to reach out and pull her into my lap and hold her for a long while. I want to tell her I'm on her side. But I can't. She wouldn't stand for it (or believe me, for that matter.) The other night she came out of her room after bedtime on some pretext and when I tucked her back in, I kissed her.

She wiped my kiss off.

I guess this is a normal rite of passage, but must they all be such heartbreakers? I thought I was allotted a period of time when I got to be the hero -- what happened? This past summer, after I'd said "No" to her about something, she wanted to go to the grocery store and find a new family and go home with THEM. (I wish I could say I responded with sensitive probing about her feelings but instead I said, "Okay, as soon as you find a new family, I'll drive you right to their house.") The teenage years loom large.

So you can see why I prefer, ever so slightly, the uncomplicated relationship I share with the little Hurricane. She who still craves my presence and hugs me with abandon and misses me when I'm away. She who spontaneously started to YODEL in the grocery store a few months ago. (Seriously!) She, who is so responsive to my slightest touch. Who is silly just to make me laugh. Who likes to wear my shoes.

Maybe the first two years or so of a child's life are given to us as gifts ?so we have a firm foundation of holding them closely that will withstand the next sixteen years of them distancing themselves from us. As Graham Green said, "There is always a moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in." I don't actually know that this is the start of the third year, but it would make sense.

I don't really want Jane to stay a baby ?there are many other wonderful milestones along the way to adulthood. But I am enjoying every minute of it while I can (albeit with a small amount of guilt.)

Happy birthday, Smiley Jane. May you always have that sparkle in your eye and that yodel in your heart.

Babies are such a nice way to start people. ~Don Herrold

To subscribe or unsubscribe to this free e-mail newsletter, send e-mail to barb@sothethingis.com. (Your address will not be used for any other purpose.) If you would like to forward this column on, please do so in its entirety. Feedback welcome. Back issues can be found at barb@sothethingis.com.

About The Author

Barb Cooper is the mother of Ana (4.5) and Jane (TWO) and this newsletter entitled "So, the thing is.... She lives in Austin, Texas.

barb@sothethingis.com

family-safe home cleaners Lincolnshire ..

In The News:

Scammers are flooding inboxes with fake tracking alerts that mimic real carriers, exploiting the holiday rush to steal logins and personal data.

The Fox News AI Newsletter brings you the latest news on AI technology advancements and the challenges and opportunities AI presents now and for the future.

Texas family reunites with missing 11-year-old cat Grayson after 103 days using Petco Love Lost's AI photo matching technology and community help.

Tired of AI customer service loops? These insider tricks help you escape "frustration AI" and get real human help when you need it most for urgent issues.

Unlock richer audio from your streaming apps with simple tweaks to volume normalization, equalizer settings, and quality preferences for cleaner sound.

Scammers are sending fake Facebook settlement payout emails that mimic legitimate notices from the privacy settlement administrator to deceive users.

Holiday shopping scams surge as fake refund emails target distracted consumers during Black Friday and holiday seasons, costing Americans billions annually.

The AI-powered IRMO M1 exoskeleton features four modes, including turbo, eco, training and rest for hiking, running, cycling and sports with eight-hour battery life.

OpenAI announced upgrades for its ChatGPT Images platform on Tuesday, saying the program can now make more precise edits and produce images more quickly.

Chrome for Android now turns web articles into AI-powered podcast conversations. Get hands-free browsing with Google Gemini's natural audio summaries.

LastPass faces $1.6 million fine from U.K. regulators after 2022 data breach exposed 1.6 million users. Password manager failed proper security controls.

Petco disclosed a data breach exposing customer Social Security numbers, financial account details, and driver's license information due to a software error.

Baseball teams can now analyze complete swing mechanics in normal training environments using Theia's markerless AI system that processes standard high-speed footage.

Smart home hacking fears overblown? Expert reveals real cybersecurity risks and simple protection tips to keep your connected devices safe from hackers.

MIT develops needle-free glucose monitor using light technology. Revolutionary device could replace painful finger pricks for diabetes management.

The ClickFix campaign disguises malware as legitimate Windows updates, using steganography to hide shellcode in PNG files and bypass security detection systems.

Researchers from Osaka Metropolitan University designed a 21-foot dome that combines aquaculture and hydroponics to create a self-sustaining urban food system.

The Fox News AI Newsletter gives readers the latest AI technology advancements, covering the challenges and opportunities AI presents.

ChatGPT data breach exposes personal info of users through partner Mixpanel. OpenAI confirms names, emails compromised in security incident.

Android rolls out Emergency Live Video for 911 calls, letting dispatchers see real-time scenes during emergencies. Great for holiday travel safety.

Malicious Chrome and Edge extensions collected browsing history, keystrokes and personal data from millions of users before Google and Microsoft removed them.

Google's new Call Reason feature lets Android users mark calls as urgent before dialing, displaying an urgent label to recipients using Phone by Google app.

Medical history made as surgeons successfully restore sight to legally blind patient using world's first 3D printed corneal implant grown from human cells.

Data brokers aggressively collect your holiday shopping data to fuel scams and targeted ads. Learn how to delete your digital profile before 2025 starts.

Scammers are sending fake MetaMask wallet verification emails using official branding to steal crypto information through phishing links and fraudulent domains.

So, The Thing Is... Im Feeling A Little Guilty

Parenting