It's a familiar scene: Kids screaming at each other, complaining that, "He got a bigger piece of pie," or "She got to stay up an hour later last night."
When sibling rivalry rears its ugly head, what do you do?
Try to reason with the kids? Scream, threaten or punish them? Ignore it and run for cover?
None of these methods is very effective for very long.
But I've discovered a tactic that works every time. It really is guaranteed to end sibling battles, almost instantaneously. The only downside is it requires a bit of patience on your part.
The trick is understanding that it doesn't matter what the kids are arguing about, the real battle is for your attention.
Really. They could be screaming at the top of their lungs over who gets to play with a certain toy. They could be red-faced and foaming at the mouth over who got to sit in the favorite chair. It doesn't matter what they're arguing about. What they're really saying is, "Mom, I want more of your attention. I want to know you love me."
Understand this, and you're 80 percent of the way to resolving all sibling battles.
So here's how to resolve the battles: Try to catch them before the argument escalates to the point where one or both kids need to be reprimanded.
If you can't do that, wait for the next time. There always is a next time, isn't there?
Next, make it clear that you aren't taking sides.
Now try to discern which child is feeling the need for attention most. It will typically be the child who started it, though that's not always easy to figure out.
Turn to that child first and say, "Look, I can see you're upset. I'm wondering if maybe you need some more attention from me. Can I give you a hug?" (Or rub your back or throw the football around or whatever you do when you give your kids attention.)
When that child is calm, repeat with the other child(ren).
Your goal is to let your kids know that:
1) You understand they need your attention; and
2) You accept them; and
3) You aren't going to judge them for needing or wanting your love.
Depending on how old the kids are and how long the rivalry has lasted, you may hear a little sarcasm. But I promise you, there's a soft vulnerability underneath those barbs. If you can ignore the sarcasm and keep offering more attention, you'll be amazed how quickly the arguments disappear.
Giving them attention doesn't mean you have to be at their beck and call for the rest of the day. It may mean you give them hugs and kisses. It may mean sitting and talking with them. Or it may just mean sitting quietly and playing a game of their choice for a few minutes.
When They Both Want Your Attention at Once
It helps if you warn them that you'll have to take turns giving each child individual attention. I handle this in a really straightforward way.
I just say something like, "Listen, I can see you both want my attention now. And honestly, you both deserve it. (That's the best line I've come up with yet!)
I really want to give both of you the attention you deserve, but I'm only human. So how about if I sit over here and talk with you first, then I'll play a game with you...and so on."
This also works really well when there's a new baby in the house. Obviously, if you're in the middle of feeding, changing or bathing the baby, you can't give the older one(s) the attention they want.
So just say as sympathetically as possible, "You know what? I bet you want a hug right now, don't you?" Or, "Could you use some mommy time?" Or, "Does it seem to you like the baby is getting all my attention?"
Then say, "You deserve my attention, too. And I want to give it to you. Right now, I can't because I have to feed the baby. But as soon as I'm finished I'm going to...[give you a great big hug, play Candy Land with you, etc.]
Is This Really Guaranteed to Work?
Yes, but, of course, you have to put it into practice.
I am the first to admit that when I'm tired, hungry, cranky or PMSish (or worse, postpartumish!), I just can't bother with this trick. I mean, geez, even Barney would get PMS if he were a woman (and not a make-believe character)! So don't expect the battles to stop instantaneously and never arise again.
Plus, when the kids are tired and cranky, it doesn't matter how much attention you give them, they're not going to respond to anything but food and sleep. Understand that, too.
The reason this trick is guaranteed to work because it's based on understanding that the root of all sibling rivalry is a battle for your attention. Even if you do nothing other than understand that, and accept that all kids need attention (probably more than you have to give), you're 80% of the way there.
Stephanie Gallagher is the author of several parenting books and creator of "Mommy Merry Go Round," the hilarious new online movie that's taking the motherhood community by storm! See it today at http://www.mommymerrygoround.com
expert residential cleaners Park Ridge ..In a single dose of children's television, I was bombarded... Read More
We need a grass roots campaign targeted towards parents to... Read More
It may seem obvious to many people why literacy is... Read More
We want our children to do the right thing, especially... Read More
Congratulations on your new baby! You have just brought your... Read More
When it comes to the treatment of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity... Read More
Life is comprised of pieces of time sprinkled with pivotal... Read More
Many children who suffer from the psychological effects of child... Read More
Tripping over the shoes and toys that seem to clutter... Read More
1. Make stronger connections among individuals and, therefore, creates a... Read More
The key to lifelong learning is reading and writing. When... Read More
Parents, do you have children who do poorly in school,... Read More
Today the little red school house is not what it... Read More
This may come as a surprise.But despite all the advances... Read More
The techniques of managing relationships between parents and their children... Read More
How in the world do you get your child to... Read More
Most of the ADHD kids that are seen in a... Read More
Dear Camille,As I thumb through the photographs that I carry... Read More
Voices!So many voices crying out for adherence and so many... Read More
For any parent, learning that a convicted sex offender lives... Read More
I am in pain. I've been in pain all day.... Read More
Seven-year old Michael was on a school trip to a... Read More
Teachers know that children thrive in an environment with routines,... Read More
Do your children have a McChildhood? Do they experience the... Read More
While on a recent trip to the grocery store, I... Read More
green cleaning service Park Ridge ..Elana, born in Russia, was told "We really don't know... Read More
I have always been aware of my number one weakness:... Read More
"It takes a village to raise a child" is more... Read More
In theory, working at home is an ideal situation. But... Read More
In "The Ring Bear," a picture book by Tigard resident... Read More
There are many useful jogger stroller accessories out on the... Read More
Do you have a consistent problem with your child lying... Read More
The school holidays are a great time for the kids,... Read More
There are few thoughts as terrifying as the abduction of... Read More
Even if your teenagers do not use drugs, you still... Read More
Having a babysitter take care of your kids is sometimes... Read More
O.K. So now you have taken the step of having... Read More
Your Virgo Baby..August 23 - September 22Virgo children are honest... Read More
NY -- Strange as it may sound, bordom promotes happier,... Read More
Perhaps I could make a lot of money by founding... Read More
It's that time again! Parent-teacher conferences are coming. Are you... Read More
Choosing to leave your child with a caregiver is one... Read More
Memorabilia ? Children can create enough artwork for an entire... Read More
Parents of hyperactive children know the "Would you please just... Read More
Strollers offer a wonderful and convenient service to parents and... Read More
Memorizing math facts is a necessary part of elementary school.... Read More
Child Party Planning Guideline #1)Pick the ThemeYour child is going... Read More
The least flexible character in all of the stories of... Read More
If you really want to get your children to eat... Read More
Is there a fathering instinct?Celebrated child development expert Erik Erikson... Read More
Parenting |