Recently, a much-anticipated game of mini-golf with my children soon turned into a disaster. There were smiles all round as we hit off from the first tee but the enjoyment factor was reduced to zero as my children's smiles were replaced by tears, put downs and whining.
The source of all this angst was the scorecard. Or to be more precise competitiveness over the scores. The pressure was on my eldest to make sure that his younger siblings did not turn in a better score than he did. The game was going disastrously for him and it appeared that a thrashing from a younger sister was imminent. And the youngest was reduced to tears as her score didn't quite match her expectations. I felt my blood begin to boil as the family activity disintegrated amongst the tears of a poorly-performing daughter, the put downs from the eldest and the whining recriminations of the middle child who was the butt of the put downs from the disgruntled eldest.
At the half-way point I had a rare a brain-wave. Rather than add my bit to this picture of disharmony by delivering a mini-lecture I decided to remove the source of the anxiety - the score card. "What do you say that we don't score any more?" I announced. "Good idea," they chorused. The relief was evident immediately. With the element of competition removed everyone was able to enjoy the game. Smiles replaced scowls and I swear I even heard them laughing.
While competition maybe good for business and promote better performance in sport it does little to promote harmony in a family. It is okay if there is a level playing field and everyone has a chance of succeeding. Or if it is contained to the sports field and the playground. But when it spills over into other areas of family life it can lead to arguments, lack of cooperation and other uncivil behaviour.
Rivalry is difficult to keep out of families as kids constantly compare themselves to each other even when there is no score to keep. However sometimes parents unwittingly promote competition, particularly when they praise children for their performance rather than their efforts.
When children see that results are important to parents in any area they will often give up if they can't perform as well as a sibling and look for another field where they can gain parental approval. The number of eldest and second-born children in families who excel in different fields is testament to the rivalry that so often takes place between kids. While most parents will claim that their approval of kids is not subject to performance in sport, schoolwork or any other area it is how kids perceive the situation that is most relevant. And kids constantly keep score and know where they rank compared to each other.
The use of sibling comparison is also very divisive. Comments from parents such as "Why don't you keep your bedroom clean like your sister?" or "Your brother does his homework every night. Why can't you?" maybe well-meaning but offering up the standards of one for another to aspire to just drives a wedge between siblings.
As my family game of mini golf showed it is hard to get away from competition. As soon as scores are involved invariably there will be comparisons. While kids must learn that they should be good losers and even better winners they also need to understand that parental approval does not depend on their performance.
It is also important to reinforce to kids that as human beings we all have our special areas of expertise. This point is easier to get across if a child has an obvious area of strength and can become a sore point until a child discovers where his or her talents lie.
Back to the family game of mini-golf. Shouldn't the kids be able to play against each other and cope with winning and losing, some performing better than others? Ideally yes, but it can be a great deal less stressful for everyone to remove the concept of competing and just have a bit of fun. There are plenty of opportunities for kids to see how they measure up - they do it every time they bring home a school report card - without adding another one.
In future I think I'll stick to something safe like beach cricket. Then again they keep scores in that, don't they?
Michael Grose is The Parent Coach. For seventeen years he has been helping parents deal with the rigours of raising kids and survive!! For information about Michael's Parent Coaching programs or just some fine advice and ideas to help you raise confident kids and resilient teenagers visit http://www.parentingideas.com.au
expert residential cleaners Park Ridge ..Learning obedience is an important part of child development. This... Read More
Whether we realize it or not we teach our children... Read More
"Home Schooling ? Look Before You Leap"Are you considering home... Read More
The law of -ing.The law of -ing refers to a... Read More
According to a September 2004 study by the RAND Corporation,... Read More
Sometimes dreams really can come true! May 8th - 11th,... Read More
A number of scientific studies have shown the way a... Read More
Some years ago when touring the Scottish Highlands, a man... Read More
An apology is a sign of strength, not weakness. Sometimes... Read More
I'm sure many of you have heard that old Hallmark... Read More
When was the last time you and your kids rolled... Read More
When it comes to exams, or indeed any academic work,... Read More
So, the thing is? I am feeling a little guilty.I... Read More
The biggest complaint you hear from parents about their children... Read More
Why Is Spending Time with Your Child So Important?For children... Read More
Travel is a common theme in my life -- probably... Read More
The brightly colored plastic mobile dangles lazily overhead in the... Read More
Home-schooling provides children with a superior education. Parents can quickly... Read More
Do any other reality TV junkies remember a show on... Read More
If you visit search engines you can find several resources... Read More
How well do you really know your child?There is so... Read More
The initial state of happiness about an own child is... Read More
In 1996-97 we were contracted by VAXA International of Tampa,... Read More
Dear Sir, It was with some interest that I read... Read More
Start some gardening traditions with your kids. Give them their... Read More
green cleaning service Park Ridge ..There are a few points about shyness in children which... Read More
Dear friends here we will charge up our mind with... Read More
Isn't it ironic that a country whose constitution allows for... Read More
Our children are growing up bilingual in the French part... Read More
Home-schooling provides children with a superior education. Parents can quickly... Read More
Recently I took my two children to a popular new... Read More
It may seem obvious to many people why literacy is... Read More
Elana, born in Russia, was told "We really don't know... Read More
Many years ago, my children were raised on the various... Read More
Being in a competitive world, the lowest qualification to secure... Read More
Advocate: you've probably heard the term before. But what does... Read More
We've got spirit, yes we do! We've got spirit how... Read More
One of the implications of the current trend toward smaller... Read More
Child care costs are are one of the most expensive... Read More
Many public schools not only fail to educate our children,... Read More
? Let the child choose his or her own lunch... Read More
Teenagers are a work-in-progress, and parenting teenagers can be tricky... Read More
Dear Sir, It was with some interest that I read... Read More
If your child is to derive the benefits of physical... Read More
Before my daughter was born my house was... Read More
'I felt great until I walked into the classroom -... Read More
The popularity of EEG Biofeedback Training continues to grow both... Read More
While on a recent trip to the grocery store, I... Read More
One of the most prevalent myths of our modern culture... Read More
Courage means doing the right thing when it is hard,... Read More
Parenting |