Parents of teenagers frequently ask what can be done to improve their relationship with their kids. This can be a challenging time, and a time when parents sometimes feel rejected, out of touch, and unclear about what to do. Here's a simple strategy that can help set you up for a smoother ride.
Stay C.A.L.M. Why "calm"? When teenagers are asked what parents can do to help keep communication open, teens invariably reply: "Don't freak out!" Evidently, teens' perceptions are, when they are sharing something important, or sensitive, parents too often go off the deep end. There is no surer way to shut down communication than to over-react. Parents may have difficulty not reacting to information that touches upon a nerve, so this can be tricky for parents. But it is possible to listen, and to focus on not lecturing, to keep your teen talking. It may be they are telling you this sensitive information because they will feel safer if you are informed, and because they value your relationship. It is also highly likely that they share your values. It is possible for parents to listen without freaking out. Try asking your teen directly what he/she wants you to do with this information ? is she asking for your advice? If not, DON'T give it. Be gentle ?be calm. And your teenager might just keep talking to you.
Let's examine with the other letters stand for:
C ? Connect Parents fret over lack of communication; but sometimes expectations are too high and the atmosphere becomes tense with unmet desires. Focus instead on 'connection.' This has a different connotation. To "connect" implies sharing an experience, sharing time and space, being on the same wave length. Almost everybody can find a way to connect with their teen ? it might take some planning and creativity, but it is possible. Share a tennis game, go to a movie, go out for ice cream, play a ping pong, bake some cookies together? find some pleasant activity that you can share together. Keep your focus on nothing more serious than enjoying that activity together. By "connecting" you will have created the environment for communication to take place. That's the important first step. Then it might be best to let nature takes its course. Oh ? and take this step of "connecting" frequently?don't make your shared activities be a rare event or it can work against you.
A ? Adjust You know how dramatically your teenager is changing?it is happening in every possible way: physically, emotionally, sexually, cognitively?this is a very dramatic time in a person's life. Are you changing in response? Think about it - if your child is changing in significant ways doesn't it stand to reason that a parent should change in response? You bet it does! Parents need to constantly adjust our parenting style so that it is appropriately matched to the developmental stage of our child. To fail to change means that we might fail to teach them important lessons, or we could negatively impact their developing independence and maturity. It also means we can undermine our relationship with them. Parents need to adjust continually. That's part of the job.
L ? Listen Truly, there is no easier way that allows you to improve communication and improve your relationship with your child than to spend more time listening. Parents usually think they are doing a much better job of this than their kids think they are. It's hard changing from being the resident ''authority" to having everything you say questioned. As parents intentionally adjust our view of our developing young adult, we need to intentionally spend more time listening to their thoughts and validating their feelings rather than sharing our opinions or fixing their problems. Nothing improves in our relationship until we listen to them.
M ? Monitor How are you doing as you implement these changes? To answer this question you must step back from the daily busy-ness and examine yourself. What are you doing differently? What kind of results are you getting? Be honest in your assessment. What developmental changes are you seeing in your teenager? Are you responding appropriately? Your biggest opportunity for initiating change in your relationship is through your own behavior and attitudes.
Your child is also monitoring you whether you like it or not. In a quiet 'connected' moment with your teen why don't you simply ask how you're doing. "You know, honey, I'm trying to tune into your needs differently, now that you're older. This is my first time parenting a teenager, so I imagine I might not have gotten in completely right. If there was one thing you would change about me, what would that be?" Those of us who have tried this approach are almost always surprised by the response. Try it out! And stay C.A.L.M.
? 2004 Sue Blaney
Sue Blaney is the author of Please Stop the Rollercoaster! How Parents of Teenagers Can Smooth Out the Ride and Practical Tips for Parents of Young Teens; What You Can Do to Enhance Your Child's Middle School Years. As a communications professional and the parent of two teenagers, she speaks frequently to parents and schools about parenting issues, improving communications and creating parent discussion groups. Visit her website at http://www.pleasestoptherollercoaster.com
no-contract cleaning service Glenview ..Unfortunately each year many young children drown in swimming pools,... Read More
When David was nine and Laura was twelve, the battles... Read More
Parents play a critical role in their child's success. These... Read More
Search for Assurance: The Power of BelongingThe job hunt is... Read More
In today's mental health system there is a pattern of... Read More
Time management is an organisational concept traditionally associated with adults... Read More
If you are currently homeschooling or considering homeschooling your child,... Read More
Have you ever wondered why toys for babies tend to... Read More
O.K. So now you have taken the step of having... Read More
Giving advice to a teenager is very easy; getting a... Read More
You may remember The Red Couch Project, a book by... Read More
Attention all parents of teen-agers. Here is an important, groundbreaking... Read More
One of the most powerful tools that parents have for... Read More
When a parent is deployed with the military it can... Read More
Information is gold when you are adopted. Every tiny piece... Read More
Levels of SafetyBy teaching our children there are different levels... Read More
1. They are leaders as well as parents. They don't... Read More
Despite the potentially dangerous side-effects of Ritalin, public school authorities... Read More
Have you heard the song; "I Hope You Dance"? It... Read More
At age seven months in the womb, humans begin language... Read More
Memorabilia ? Children can create enough artwork for an entire... Read More
It's that time of year when mom and dad look... Read More
Do you really want your child to enjoy playing with... Read More
Many people still think that the game of chess is... Read More
A study done by the Thomas B. Fordham Institute found... Read More
house cleaning company Glencoe ..If there are any parents reading this who are thinking... Read More
Researched through personal experience!Budget Your Money. Even if you are... Read More
I hear from many parents that their child is stressed... Read More
Teachers know that children thrive in an environment with routines,... Read More
"Just turn the lights off and go to sleep"Do you... Read More
Many research studies have shown the overall effectiveness of stimulant... Read More
Our children are our most important legacy to the world.... Read More
Baby names are as diverse as the people to whom... Read More
All of us, including your child, entered this world equipped... Read More
One of the most important aspects of parenting, is ensuring... Read More
As parents, we love our children and want to do... Read More
John Bishop's Goal Setting for Students.comLegacy to Your ChildrenIt's 6:30... Read More
If your child has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder then at... Read More
On a recent Saturday evening, I noticed a young teen-age... Read More
Learning responsibility is an ever widening and lifelong process.As thinking,... Read More
Do you ever wonder what is behind the occasional nasty... Read More
Have you ever experienced one of those days when you... Read More
This may come as a surprise, but many parents are... Read More
What makes parenting so challenging at times? One widespread research... Read More
They Spur Members To Grow EmotionallyTatiana Tannenbaum grappled with a... Read More
My name is Duncan and I'm 2 years old. I... Read More
It's been said, time and again, that for a child... Read More
Like anything else in life, there's a method to the... Read More
Q: My husband and I are at a loss as... Read More
Joey steps away from his time out chair "I won't... Read More
Parenting |