Q: A parent writes in to ask, "You write a lot about the difference between controlling and managing teenagers. What's the difference........., and how do we do it in our family?"
A: In the counseling and seminars that I do, I have found that many parents are confused about the difference between controlling and managing their teenagers. In my experience, there is not only a huge difference, it's "the difference that makes a difference" when it comes to successfully dealing with the teen years in a family.
The control approach
Taking a control approach in a family will typically breed resentment and rebellion in a teenager, and exasperation and angerthe part of the parents. While the control approach may get compliance, it also breeds an attitude of "I'll do what you say now, but I'm going to get you back someday."
The managmement approach
Coming from a management approach breeds respect and cooperation, as well as an attitude of "let's work together as a team." As I have said before, trying to control a teenager is like trying to put pants on a gorilla - it's only going to frustrate you and make the gorilla mad.
Now in no way am I saying that teens should be allowed to do whatever they want. The difference between trying to control vs. manage a teenager is all in how you approach the situation.
A management approach meets the following six criteria:
1) The parents are clearly in charge
When I work with parents to take a management approach with teens, in no way am I suggesting that parents let kids do whatever they want. Quite the contrary, a key sign of a healthy and strong family is when the parents are clearly in charge. The key distinction comes down to the difference between an authoritarian style and an authoritative style on the part of the parents. An authoritarian style comes from a controlling approach, while an authoritative style comes from a management approach.
A good example of an authoritarian style can be found in the movie The Great Santini. This family was ruled by the iron hand of the father, a military man, who tried to run his family like he ran his troops, complete with morning inspections.
The best example I've been able to find of an authoritative style is The Huxtables of The Cosby Show. If you think back to the show or watch the re-runs, you will notice that in the Huxtable family, the parents are clearly in charge. At the same time, there is compassion and caring for all the family members. One strong indication of this is that while each child may not always get a vote, they almost always have a voice.
2) The teen, over time, learns and earns the ability to be more and more in charge of themselves
Notice I said over time. This simply means that the parents give the kid enough rope, not to hang themselves, to coin a phrase, but to grow themselves. You don't hand someone who has had little or no responsibility a huge responsibility all at once. You give them a little bit, and then a little bit more, and so on and so on.
3) There is a clear map for continually building trust and responsibility
In a management approach, there is no guessing on the part of parent or kid. Everyone knows how trust and responsibility are earned in the family. The rules are clear with little or no surprises.
4) The parents have a way to monitor the progress of the teen
One way to do this is to simply measure trust on a scale from 1 to 10. In this way, the parents have a clear and objective way of monitoring the progress of their teenager.
5) There are clear consequences when the teen demonstrates that they cannot be in charge of themselves (just like in the real world)
There is a proverb that goes something like this "raise up a child in the way they should go and when they are old they will not depart from it." What this implies is that at some point along the way, they are going to depart from it. It's simply part of the territory that kids are going to mess up. Before this happens, there needs to be a simple understanding about what will happen when the mess ups occur.
6) There is a clear map for how to earn back trust and responsibility
Many parents tend to look at trust as an either or situation - either you trust them completely or not at all. Using a scale from one to ten not only gives parents a way to monitor progress, it can provide a map for how to earn trust back when it is damaged.
Successfully steering a family through the teen years is one of the most difficult jobs a parent will ever face. Using the six point management approach can help parents to get their kids, and themselves, through the adolescent years with most of their sanity intact.
Visit parentingyourteenager.com for tips and tools for thriving during the teen years. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 5 day e-program on parentingyourteenager.com, from parenting coach and expert Jeff Herring.
executive chauffeured services Bradford .. Madison to Airport carHaving a baby is one of the most exciting times... Read More
One of parents' most important duties is to protect their... Read More
Children are moral and make moral determinations... at least until... Read More
Are you a frustrated parent who sometimes finds it is... Read More
Researched through personal experience!Budget Your Money. Even if you are... Read More
The citizens of the early Roman Republic enjoyed an education... Read More
Get into their world. The world that teens are growing... Read More
I thought I was the only one in the world... Read More
Once upon a time, I thought I had it all.... Read More
Since so many would rather avoid the use of stimulant... Read More
Everyone knows that exercise is good for your health. Exercising... Read More
When parents help their children learn to read, they help... Read More
Did you know that cooking with your kids is a... Read More
There has been much attention in the media of late... Read More
What is in a name?The answer is everything!Jo J. of... Read More
So you're going to become a father. Now is not... Read More
Past experience with federal education programs predicts that the No... Read More
So your little Susie wants to join a competitive gymnastic... Read More
Often I will hear parents say, "I just ignore Jr.... Read More
Sitterphobe "I never have a second to myself," this mother... Read More
Children think money grows on trees. Maybe not literally, but... Read More
Ask parents what their biggest school year challenge is, and... Read More
Imagine having no television for an entire season. Such was... Read More
Remember when cash was a tangible commodity in all of... Read More
Does this sound familiar? Have your kids not listened to... Read More
O'Hare Chicago prom limo ..Hey Parents! I hate to tell you, but there is... Read More
There are so many learning labels floating around these days... Read More
College is one of the largest expenses through the course... Read More
Do you really want your child to enjoy playing with... Read More
Imagine a child who lacks ownership of his own life,... Read More
When growing up, my father frequently reminded me to "pay... Read More
So you want to be a mum? Every time you... Read More
Young people generally want to fit in to their various... Read More
Voices have a way of falling into a pattern, not... Read More
Teri was 5. As younger siblings do, she looked up... Read More
Suppose that you rearrange your life to homeschool your child... Read More
"My son won't go to bed at night without a... Read More
Looking for an unusual and memorable gift? Why not preserve... Read More
Until the moment I became a mother, I couldn't quite... Read More
For first time parents choosing a swing set or outdoor... Read More
The 21st Century Problem in Schools: Bullying, and How to... Read More
It's the third time this week that Sam has complained... Read More
O.K. I've heard it a hundred times from my prison... Read More
Bath time can be fun or it can be a... Read More
Dining in a restaurant with kids can be very enervating... Read More
We want our children to do the right thing, especially... Read More
The following spelling games can be used by parents to... Read More
As the flurry of Back to School activities subside, parents... Read More
Not nearly as often as it should. Most child abuse... Read More
I was reading "A Modern Infant Armada", a humor column... Read More
Parenting |