Home
>
Parenting
>
Parenting Your Teenager: Self-Decorating or Self-Harm - How to Tell the Difference

Parenting Your Teenager: Self-Decorating or Self-Harm - How to Tell the Difference

Q. I need your help with a question about my teen-age daughter. Getting her ears pierced was no big deal, but then she wanted to get a belly button ring and a tongue ring. We let her get the belly button one but not the tongue one.

Just the other night, we walked into her room and she was scratching on her leg with a pair of scissors. She was drawing a little blood, but she says it's no big deal and no different from getting her belly button pierced and that her best friend does it, too.

This does not sound right, but I don't want to overreact. Is it the same? Also, does this mean she is suicidal, and should I tell her friend's parents about what is going on?

A. I applaud you for going with your instincts and not buying the con that cutting yourself with scissors is just like a navel ring and everyone else is doing it.

It's not the same, and everyone else is not doing it.

Getting your ears, navel, tongue, lips, nose, etc., pierced for a ring, while it may look strange, is called self decorating.

What you caught your daughter doing is called self-harming.

From bobby socks to nose rings, teen-agers always have and always will decorate themselves. What scares some parents is that kids are running out of new ways to decorate themselves in ways that are shocking.

Body piercings and tattoos are the rage now. Each family needs to decide what is acceptable in the home.

I know some families that have made getting a navel ring a family event. I'm not necessarily recommending this across the board, but it seemed to work for them.

Cutting yourself is one of the most common forms of self-harm. Other common forms of self-harm include burning with lighters or matches, pulling out body hairs and picking at sores.

Signs and symptoms of self-harming behaviors include:

=>Finding sharp instruments (knives, razor blades, box cutters, even glass) hidden in their room, car or elsewhere.

=>Finding linens and clothes with blood stains, and the explanations don't make sense.

=>Unexplained hair loss, bald patches.

=>Cut and/or burn marks on legs and arms, which are the most typical places, though they can show up anywhere.

=>Frequent isolation in bedroom, bathroom or elsewhere.

=>Lots and lots of bracelets on the wrists, that NEVER come off in front of you

Self-harming goes way beyond self-decorating. It is hurting yourself to relieve emotional pain.

It's paradoxical, but self-harming is an attempt to deal with pain. The emotional logic goes something like this: "If I'm hurting physically, then maybe my feelings won't hurt so much."

There is a certain release and relief from the bad feelings that are experienced by the person self-harming. Those feelings are followed by guilt about what has been done. This sets up a vicious cycle of doing it again to stop feeling bad, guilt, etc.

A key question is: What is the person feeling that hurts so bad?

I urge parents to not take this stuff lightly and treat it like the serious problem that it is.

People who cut themselves or cause other physical harm to relieve emotional pain need help. I suggest you schedule an appointment with both your family physician and a family therapist who has experience treating these kind of problems.

You also asked if this could mean your daughter is suicidal. It's a crucial question, yet difficult to answer on the little I know.

According to the latest consumer update from the american association for marriage and family therapy "self-harming adolescents are rarely suicidal."

Yet, I urge parents to take anything that even looks a little bit like suicidal thinking or behavior very seriously; there is no margin for error.

Finally, many parents who discover negative information about other children struggle with whether they should notify their parents.

My rule of thumb is: If it were your child, would you want to know?

Of course you would.

Notifying other parents will not make you popular with your daughter, but there are more important issues here. It also can be intimidating. Some words you might want to use are: "Listen, Mr./Mrs. Smith. I've come across some information about your daughter that, if she were my child, I would want to know."

Leading parenting expert Jeff Herring is a teen and family therapist, parenting coach, speaker and syndicated parenting and relationship columnist. Jeff invites you to visit american association for marriage and family therapy for 100's of tips and tools for parenting through the teenage years. You can also subscribe to his f'ree weekly internet newsletter "ParenitngYourTeenager."

weekly home cleaning Highland Park ..

In The News:

Threat intelligence firm Synthient uncovers one of the largest password exposures ever, prompting immediate security recommendations.

Viral video shared by Elon Musk shows Tesla's Optimus humanoid robots performing tasks from cooking to construction, garnering over 58.5 million views on social media.

Chinese hackers used Anthropic's Claude AI to launch autonomous cyberattacks on 30 organizations worldwide, marking a major shift in cybersecurity threats.

Apple's new Sleep Score feature gives you a rating for your nightly rest quality. Learn how to set it up on your Apple Watch and iPhone today.

Essential phone settings to enable before losing your device, including Find My network, location services and security features for iPhone and Android.

The Fox News AI Newsletter gives readers the latest AI technology advancements, covering the challenges and opportunities AI presents.

Cybersecurity research shows weak passwords remain a major threat, with simple patterns and number sequences putting millions of accounts at risk.

New Android malware BankBot YNRK silences phones, steals banking data and drains crypto wallets automatically. Learn how this advanced threat works.

FDA approves first human trial for Paradromics' brain-computer interface that could restore speech for paralyzed patients through neural technology.

New phishing platform QRR targets Microsoft 365 users across 1,000 domains in 90 countries. Learn how to spot fake login pages and protect your accounts.

OpenTable now uses AI to track your dining habits and share insights with restaurants. Learn what data they collect and how to protect your privacy.

Google's discontinued Nest thermostats still secretly upload home data to company servers despite losing smart features, raising serious privacy concerns.

New Android malware NGate steals NFC payment codes in real-time, allowing criminals to withdraw cash from ATMs without your card. Learn protection tips.

DoorDash confirms data breach exposing customer names, emails, addresses after social engineering attack. Learn how to protect yourself from scams.

Concerned about Google's AI scanning your Gmail? Learn how to disable Gemini features that access your emails, Drive files and Chat messages for privacy.

Google warns Android users about dangerous fake VPN apps hiding malware that steals passwords, banking details and personal data from phones and tablets.

Apple's digital passport feature lets iPhone users breeze through TSA checkpoints this holiday season using Digital ID technology at 250+ airports.

A new phishing scam targets family photos with fake "Cloud Storage Full" alerts. Criminals steal credit card information through fake sites. Learn protection tips.

South Korean scientists create ultra-thin fabric muscles that turn clothes into robotic assistants, lifting 33 pounds while weighing under half an ounce.

Archer Aviation has acquired Hawthorne Airport for $126M to launch an LA air taxi network ahead of the 2028 Olympics, featuring AI-powered eVTOL operations and next-gen aviation tech.

Stay up to date on the latest AI technology advancements and learn about the challenges and opportunities AI presents now and for the future.

Fake AI apps disguised as "ChatGPT" and "DALL·E" are flooding app stores with dangerous malware that steals data and monitors users without detection.

Fake buyers demand specific vehicle reports from unknown sites to steal credit card information from car sellers, but warning signs can help identify these scams before paying.

Android users can now manage apps across multiple devices more easily with Google Play Store's updated remote uninstall button in the latest update.

NASA's Perseverance rover discovers shiny metallic rock on Mars that could be a meteorite from an ancient asteroid, containing high levels of iron and nickel.