Home
>
Parenting
>
Parenting Your Teenager: How to Build Trust

Parenting Your Teenager: How to Build Trust

``Mom, can I go to the mall with my friend Jenny?''

``No, not after you came home late last night.''

``Well, everyone else gets to.''

``I don't care what everybody else gets to do; you can't.''

``You just don't trust me.''

``You've got to earn it.''

``I have.''

``No, you haven't.''

``Have, too.''

``Have not.''

SLAM! Etc.

If the above conversation sounds familiar, you're probably the parent of a teen-ager.

I especially like the ``everybody else gets to do it'' line. My parents' response was, ``If everyone else stood on their heads in the middle of the street at 3 a.m. in their underwear, would you?'' I probably would have.

I never understood what all that meant, but I do know that raising teen-agers can be an extremely challenging task. I have tremendous respect for the parents of the teens I work with in my practice.

Now don't get me wrong. Most teen-agers are OK people. The vast majority seem to stay out of the juvenile-justice system and eventually become adults.

It's just that most of the teen-agers I've worked with are 16 going on 26 and 16 going on 6, all at the same time.

Some families seem to go through the teen years with little or no struggle. Many others find these years one of the most challenging and, at times, maddening stages of family life.

Parents of teen-agers really try hard to navigate these difficult waters.

Trust or Bust

One of the areas that seems to be most difficult for them has to do with trust. Let's take a closer look at how trust operates in families with teen-agers, how it sometimes gets damaged and how it can be built back.

A few families seem to go along and never have any problems with, or damage done to, the trust between parents and kids. Others can really struggle with this issue.

Families sometimes get stuck because the parents see trust as an either/or situation. The teen lies, breaks curfew, experiments with drugs or does something that's damaging to trust. The parents feel they have lost all trust in their teen.

The problem, the sticking point, is: How do you rebuild trust from nothing? How can kids earn trust back?

The Way Back to Trust

Viewing trust as a matter of degree can help create a way back to a trusting relationship.

The first step is to think of a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the least amount of trust, 10 the most. Let's say the teen has broken curfew by a few hours. Let's say that coming home late reduces the trust level from a 9 down to a 3. That's a gap of 6 trust levels.

Creating a plan to get back to a high trust level will be difficult if you try to go from a 3 to a 9 all at once. It's just too big a leap.

The next step is to talk about and agree on what changes and/or behaviors need to occur to go from a 3 to a 4, then from a 4 to a 5, a 5 to a 6 and so on.

In this way, several positive structures are set up: The parents have a way of monitoring their teen's progress and the teen has something to work toward. In addition, there's a built-in incentive for the teen.

In many families, trust is like a video game at the mall. In the video arcade, the more tokens you have, the more you can play. In much the same way, in families, the more trust you have, the more you can do.

At this stage, many parents will ask, ``How do I know things are really different, that I'm not getting fooled?''

That's an excellent question, and the best answer I can offer is: Simply watch and see if the behavior matches the words.

If it does, you're on the right track.

If the behavior doesn't match the words, then you know someone is trying to pull the wool over your eyes.

Leading parenting expert Jeff Herring is a teen and family therapist, parenting coach, speaker and syndicated parenting and relationship columnist. Jeff invites you to visit parentingyourteenager.com for 100's of tips and tools for parenting through the teenage years. You can also subscribe to his free weekly internet newsletter "ParentingYourTeenager."

move in cleaning service Wilmette ..

In The News:

Privacy risks are hiding in plain sight, as your personal data is likely being collected, tracked, and sold without your knowledge.

VenHub, a fully autonomous, AI-powered smart store just opened at the LAX/Metro Transit Center in Los Angeles.

A woman's Facebook account takeover reveals dangerous social engineering tactics and provides lessons on recovery, avoiding scams and enacting stronger security measures.

Shanghai engineers are using 432 walking robots to relocate a complex, preserving Shikumen architecture while creating space for a modern underground hub and cultural center.

Major healthcare data analytics firm Episource had a cybersecurity incident exposing 5 million patients' medical records and personal information in recent breach.

A new sophisticated PayPal scam sends legitimate-looking emails from official PayPal addresses, using phone numbers instead of links to convince victims to download remote access tools.

Fox News' AI Newsletter brings you the latest on this rapidly evolving technology.

The innovative Kara Pod device extracts moisture from air to create mineral-rich water and brew coffee, featuring UV sterilization and compatibility with Nespresso pods.

Gov. Hochul unveiled New York's nuclear power plant project to power a million homes, which faces permit challenges while promising jobs and a cleaner energy future.

SAFE introduces Aerie, an underground luxury bunker combining high-end living with advanced security, wellness amenities and interactive walls simulating panoramic views.

A Facebook scammer posing as Elon Musk tricked a victim with promises of a Tesla and $250,000, requesting gift cards that become untraceable once the codes are shared.

Experience hands-free golfing with the Robera Neo smart caddie that uses AI to follow you, navigate obstacles and carry your clubs with GPS course mapping.

Cybersecurity alert: 16 billion passwords exposed in massive credential database affecting major platforms. Protect your accounts with password managers

The innovative BeBot robot uses electric power to remove pollution from shorelines, covering 20-30 times more area than manual collection while preserving wildlife.

A new ClickFix campaign targets macOS users with fake Spectrum support sites, tricking victims with CAPTCHA failures to paste commands that install information-stealing malware.

AI-powered autonomous trucks from Plus Automation are being tested across the U.S., Europe and Asia to solve logistics challenges while facing regulatory hurdles and labor concerns.

Your health information might feel private and secure with your doctor, but the reality is far more complicated. Data brokers collect a wide range of sensitive health data, from diagnoses and prescription details to personal identifiers, and sell this data to marketers, insurers, and other third parties.

Kepler Robotics has officially introduced its Forerunner K2 "Bumblebee" humanoid robot at the SAIC-GM automotive plant in Shanghai, marking a significant moment in the real-world deployment of advanced robotics.

Scammers never seem to be running out of new ways to try and get their hands on your money – and lately, they've been getting sophisticated.

Thirty people were injured and killed, though the exact number remains currently unknown, when a suicide bomber blew himself up in a Damascus church.

Unexpected password reset alerts signal potential hacking attempts or phishing scams. Learn how to respond and establish stronger security measures for your accounts.

A historic electric airplane flight landed at JFK with passengers, marking a milestone as Beta Technologies demonstrates the practicality and efficiency of electric air travel.

The Chaos ransomware group breached Optima Tax Relief in a double-extortion attack, stealing sensitive customer case files and corporate documents with personal information.

Stay up to date on the latest AI technology advancements and learn about the challenges and opportunities AI presents now and for the future.

The first human brain-computer interface by Paradromics was completed in 20 minutes, featuring microelectrodes to help paralyzed individuals control computers with thoughts.