Home
>
Parenting
>
Parenting Your Teenager: 6 Tips for Effective Discipline and Consequences

Parenting Your Teenager: 6 Tips for Effective Discipline and Consequences

A parent writes in, ``We are having a hard time in our family deciding on appropriate punishments when our teen-ager breaks family rules. We can't tell if we are too strict or too lenient. What can we do?''

This seems to be a place where many parents get stuck. Questions about appropriate punishment and consequences are very important.

Now notice, if you will, that I just said punishment and consequences, not just punishment. This is because I believe there is an important distinction to be made.

The difference has to do with what our goal is in responding to unacceptable and inappropriate behavior.

If it's to vent our anger, control the teen-ager and provoke resentment, then punishment is the way to go.

If, on the other hand, our goal is to send a clear message, manage and guide the teen-ager, and provide instruction about life, then consequences are the way to go.

The purpose of establishing consequences for behavior is to teach about the real world.

There are basically two kinds of consequences - natural and logical.

Natural consequences occur naturally, as a result of behavior and choices. In the adult world, if we run red lights, we can get hit and hurt; if we don't show up for work without a reason, we can get fired.

In the world of kids, there are times when allowing natural consequences to occur is much too dangerous. A parent should never allow the natural consequences of running into a busy street, for example, to occur.

When natural consequences are too dangerous, it's time to create logical consequences. In general, these involve some loss of privileges as a result of irresponsible behavior.

There are two general models that I use when structuring appropriate logical consequences.

The first was designed by Stephen Glenn, the author of "How to Raise Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World." It involves the three R's of logical consequences: related, respectful and reasonable.

Related. Related simply means related to the behavior. If a child violates curfew, making him stay late at school or mow the lawn is not related. The temporary loss of the privilege of going out is related.

Respectful. We need to avoid two things here: The first is humiliating the teen-ager; the second is inconveniencing the adult.

Reasonable. ``You are grounded for life and will never see the light of day again'' is unreasonable. ``Your behavior and choices have caused you to lose the privilege of going out tomorrow night'' is reasonable.

I have found Glenn's model very useful in my work with families. To these three R's, I've added three S's: strong, swift and short-term.

Strong. ``Honey, I really wish you wouldn't come in so many hours after your curfew'' is not strong. Losing the privilege of going out on the very next opportunity is strong.

Swift. Adults and teen-agers differ in their perception of time. As adults, if we are told a project is due in two months, we know we need to get moving yesterday. For many teens, two months equals eternity, which equals no motivation.

For consequences to be effective, they need to be closely linked in time to the misbehavior.

For teen-agers, not being able to go on a trip six months from now for flunking a test is ineffective. Having to spend extra time during the next three days studying and therefore losing the privilege of afternoon free time is swift and effective.

Short-term. When I was 13 years old, my parents grounded me for life. (If you want to find out why, come to one of my seminars!) For logical consequences to be effective, they need to be relatively short-term. Again, this goes back to the issue of time.

For most teen-agers, anything lasting longer than a few days or weeks (as long as the consequence is strong and swift) becomes ineffective. Anything longer breeds resentment, contempt and revenge, and negates any lessons about life that might have been taught.

The purpose of parenting teens is to prepare them for life on their own. Using the R's and S's of consequences can allow the parents to be in charge while teaching the lessons of life.

For more tips and strategies for managing the teen years, visit parenting coach Jeff Herring's parentingyourteenager.com and check out his Back to School Success Tips.

affordable house cleaning Wilmette ..

In The News:

Archer Aviation has acquired Hawthorne Airport for $126M to launch an LA air taxi network ahead of the 2028 Olympics, featuring AI-powered eVTOL operations and next-gen aviation tech.

Stay up to date on the latest AI technology advancements and learn about the challenges and opportunities AI presents now and for the future.

Fake AI apps disguised as "ChatGPT" and "DALL·E" are flooding app stores with dangerous malware that steals data and monitors users without detection.

Fake buyers demand specific vehicle reports from unknown sites to steal credit card information from car sellers, but warning signs can help identify these scams before paying.

Android users can now manage apps across multiple devices more easily with Google Play Store's updated remote uninstall button in the latest update.

NASA's Perseverance rover discovers shiny metallic rock on Mars that could be a meteorite from an ancient asteroid, containing high levels of iron and nickel.

Holiday scams spike during Black Friday and Cyber Monday as criminals exploit your leaked personal data. Learn how to protect yourself from fake stores and phishing.

Commerce Department proposes TP-Link router ban over Chinese security risks. Learn how this potential prohibition could affect your home network and devices.

Hyundai AutoEver America suffered a data breach affecting 2,000 current and former employees, exposing names, Social Security numbers and driver's license information.

Washington court rules automated license plate reader images are public records, even when stored by vendors like Flock Safety, setting precedent for transparency.

Fake airline texts claiming flight cancellations are targeting travelers with convincing scams. Learn how cybercriminals steal personal data and credit card info.

Discover how iOS 26's new Adaptive Power feature automatically extends iPhone battery life by learning your usage patterns and adjusting performance intelligently.

New TikTok malware campaign tricks users into running PowerShell commands that download Aura Stealer, which steals credentials and authentication tokens.

Gaia Family offers fixed upfront pricing for IVF cycles with unlimited embryo transfers and financial protection, partnering with over 100 U.S. fertility clinics.

The Jetsons Act aims to position Pennsylvania as a leader in advanced air mobility by establishing regulations for hybrid ground-air vehicles.

Fake Geek Squad invoice emails are targeting users with convincing charges and urgent phone numbers to steal personal information and money.

Fox News Digital's artificial intelligence newsletter digs into a robot in Russia that faceplanted, George Clooney's alarm and OpenAI's rivalry with the New York Times.

Major data breach at Conduent exposes personal information of 10+ million people. Government contractor hit by cyberattack affecting Medicaid, child support systems.

Texas startup Janta Power raises $5.5M for innovative vertical solar towers that generate 50% more energy than traditional panels while using just one-third the land.

NASA's twin ESCAPADE spacecraft launched aboard Blue Origin's New Glenn rocket Thursday afternoon from Cape Canaveral, beginning their journey to Mars with arrival expected in 2027.

Learn how to set email reminders on iPhone and Android so you never forget to reply again. Simple built-in features help you stay organized and on top of messages.

Discover how Apple's passkeys revolutionize Mac security by replacing vulnerable passwords with biometric authentication and encryption for ultimate protection.

New survey reveals 78% of parents fear AI scams targeting their kids, yet nearly half haven't discussed these threats. Learn why this dangerous gap exists.

Chrome now autofills passport and driver's license info automatically. Google's latest browser update adds official document support with encryption and user control.

Scammers impersonate Department of Veterans Affairs employees claiming veterans owe money, but real VA communications only direct to VA.gov or official channels.