We're all familiar with the over-indulgent parent. But there's another parenting practice that can be equally harmful: over-attentiveness.
It's possible to be one or the other - or in some cases, both!
Let's look first of all at the differences.
Over-Indulgence
I'm sure you've come across the stereotype: Parents who constantly ply their kids with material goods and treats of every kind, and who will go to any length to ensure their little darlings want for nothing, but have the biggest and best of everything.
This behaviour is always prompted by a certain lack or need within the parents. They often dote on their kids, but what such parents are really doing is attempting to work out their own inadequacies.
Perhaps they lacked attention when they were kids - and it hurt. Maybe they had to go without things - and it was humiliating. Now they make up for it by ensuring that THEIR kids have everything!
Or it could be that they lack confidence in their parenting abilities, and have no real interest in kids.
They are unsure how to relate to children, yet have a need (or at least a desire) to be liked, appreciated, or accepted - and they think over-indulging their kid's every whim is the way to do it.
This can have disastrous consequences for the child's development.
For a start, such children become self-centred, spoiled, and unhealthy. Often they become disrespectful, since children are adept at spotting parental weaknesses, which they soon come to despise.
Later in life these over-indulged kids tend to develop further problems, such as eating disorders, weight-related health issues, addictions, and they often lack patience and tolerance when they can't instantly get their own way.
Over-Attentiveness
On the other hand there can be parents who, while not over- indulging their kids, try to supervise every aspect of their lives.
They watch them at play, they stand over them doing homework, and if there's the slightest hint of a problem at school - either with a friend or a teacher - they're down there creating a scene!
This behaviour, too, is prompted by a need within the parent, usually a deep-seated fear or anxiety about the normal risks in everyday life, which they feel they must protect their children from.
The effects of over-attentiveness can be more subtle - but equally harmful.
Because such children have not been allowed to experiment with life - to climb trees and cut their knees, to have altercations with others and realise their own way is not the only, or even the best, way - they tend to develop fear and timidity whenever their mentor is not there sticking up for them.
They have been deprived of a testing-ground in which to develop their strengths and become aware of their shortcomings. This often breeds embarrassment as well as resentment, and the poor parents are baffled! They've only been doing their duty, after all!
There can be an even more serious consequence when the child becomes an adult: Decision-making becomes a problem.
Taking decisions involves the weighing up of risks, a consideration of the pros and cons in a situation. If this skill has not been developed in childhood - if the child has been deprived of the opportunity - then he will be an indecisive adult who lacks the confidence to be effective.
The Solution?
The solution for overindulgent and over-attentive parents is one I keep stressing in my writing: They need to develop confidence in themselves.
But they needn't despair, as opportunities for development abound.
If you feel any of this applies to you, check out these opportunities. Visit your local college, bookshop or library, go online - see what's on offer. You'll be spoiled for choice.
But take action. Just do it!
You can begin to understand your own needs in a relatively short time, and with insight into your own psychological and emotional make-up, you will begin to look at your kids in a different light.
You will begin to moderate the amount of indulgence, because the need to over-compensate will no longer be there.
If you recognise your own fears and anxieties, you'll be less likely to pass them on to your kids by being over- attentive.
Supervise your children and help them steer clear of danger, yes - but let them manage their own conflicts. You can be there on the sidelines with words of support, advice and encouragement - but them experience the rough and tumble of life for themselves.
Knowing you're giving your child a solid preparation for the future, you'll feel satisfaction in a job well done.
Happy parenting!
Why do some parents and children succeed, while others fail? Frank McGinty is an internationally published author and teacher. If you want to develop your parenting skills and encourage your kids to be all they can be, visit his web pages, http://www.frank-mcginty.com/peace-formula.html AND http://www.frank-mcginty.com/peace-formula.html
executive chauffeured services Bradford .. Madison to Airport carThe advances in science over the past century have been... Read More
Be aware. You may become totally overwhelmed when you get... Read More
Sitterphobe "I never have a second to myself," this mother... Read More
Because most teens have not had the experience of getting... Read More
According to the American Sleep Association 70% of all babies... Read More
Many parental units are not "techies" and openly admit they... Read More
In "The Ring Bear," a picture book by Tigard resident... Read More
There are millions of young children in this country who... Read More
Some public schools try to turn children against their parents... Read More
Do you struggle to get your child to bed at... Read More
You want your daughter to wear a dress to the... Read More
Anyone can become a parent; there are no tests or... Read More
1. Boundaries are necessary for control and safety.All children need... Read More
Boredom, limited space and overflowing energy are a source of... Read More
Everyone needs friends, and, as parents, you and I both... Read More
Are you worried about your child's reading habits? Perhaps you... Read More
A sure way to double the joys of parenthood is... Read More
Teenagers are a work-in-progress, and parenting teenagers can be tricky... Read More
Part of the responsibility of being a father is to... Read More
Is your baby approaching his or her first birthday and... Read More
I hear from many parents that their child is stressed... Read More
"Where did he come up with that?" Kids often amaze... Read More
Summer Survival The... Read More
Most parents can hardly wait for their baby to say... Read More
You need to smart to be able influence adolescents. You... Read More
O'Hare Chicago prom limo ..A friend phoned her neighbor, complaining about the wafts of... Read More
What's hard for teenagersHaving people who don't understand you trying... Read More
There are a LOT of alternative treatments for sale out... Read More
There are many reasons for treating your twins as individuals... Read More
The school holidays are a great time for the kids,... Read More
The 'phone conversation had nothing at all to do with... Read More
On a bright Sunday morning, a couple of weeks ago,... Read More
Often, the struggle at dinnertime with your picky eater is... Read More
As the father of a toddler, I am an expert... Read More
More and more parents are expressing their concerns about how... Read More
Are you glad for the chance to put your child... Read More
Nanny 911 Interview with Montel WilliamsI saw an interview with... Read More
Anorexia nervosa is a serious medical disorder that is statistically... Read More
Why are more people, especially parents not outraged?I call it... Read More
You're trying to catch up on some sleep on a... Read More
Is your baby approaching his or her first birthday and... Read More
There are software programs that you can purchase to keep... Read More
I have a bit of a different response than most... Read More
AD/HD (attention deficit disorder) is one of the most common... Read More
Many families do not want to believe their child is... Read More
Oh Please, Don't Say Maybe!!!!Are you often a participant in... Read More
This is one of the most common questions asked of... Read More
"The greatest gift I ever had Came from God, and... Read More
When we talk about attention, we are talking about two... Read More
As a parent, are you at your wits end? Does... Read More
Parenting |