You need to smart to be able influence adolescents. You need to be able to stand back a little, hold your tongue and wait your turn to speak.
Recently, Sam my seventeen year old son, said "No way" to our requests to wear some decent clothes to an upcoming on-stage event. Sam was chosen to read a piece of his written work on stage in front of 200 people in a plush venue the coming Friday night.
Our suggestions to wear a decent set of threads as opposed to the thread-bare, bum hanging out of his pants attire that was his norm was met with defiance. His is jutting jaw and arms folded he said determinedly, "No way, I am dressing for me not for you! I want to feel comfortable on stage, and I won't feel comfortable dressed like a dork."
My experience dealing with him lead to me to believe that meeting him head-on was like waving a red rag to a bull, and he would have only stood his ground and not shifted on principle. I wanted him to feel comfortable with his clothing but also that he needed to dress according to the dictates of the situation. We wanted him to be himself, just a souped-up version of himself for that night.
It was time to instil a few doubts and chip away a little at his suit of defensive armour. I said, "Maybe you won't feel comfortable if the other kids are wearing good clothes and you're not. It can be awful being the odd one out. A bit like the only one wearing fancy dress at a party" He didn't reply but I could see by the look on his face that I had given him something to ponder. Time for a retreat and allow him some time to chew it over.
That evening he brought the matter up to his mother and I. Sue suggested some clothes he might wear. "Why not wear your grey pants, your good black shoes and a shirt?" "No way, not my black shoes, no way," he replied.
"Okay, but if you wear your check shirt then you are making a real fashion statement."
"I could wear my check shirt?"
"Yes, of course. I wouldn't want you to look like a dork on stage."
My wife then left him to think on this. It was obvious that he was thinking, pondering and getting used to the idea of wearing decent clothes and the option we suggested was not such a bad one. We wanted him to think that his choice of clothes was his decision. This is guided democracy at work
On the night of the reading he appeared with freshly pressed grey pants that covered his boxer shorts, black leather shoes and a very smart check shirt. With hair jelled and pointy he scrubbed up well. He looked like we hoped he would look ? like a seventeen year old who had made the effort to bridge the gap between the more conservative adult world and his own adolescent world, at least for a night.
"How do I look? Do you like my clothes?"
His mother threw a huge smile his way, hugged him tight and said, "You look very handsome Sam. Can I go out with you tonight?"
An awkward smile lit up his face and I swear I saw him grow a few centimetres in that instant.
He held out his arm and said, "Mum you're on. Let's go."
As he walked out the door with an air of confidence I knew that we had made the right decision to push him to dress appropriately. I also knew that it had to be his decision to wear decent clothes ? he just needed to be given some time and a few things to think about in the meantime.
Michael Grose is Australia's leading parenting educator. He is the author of six books and gives over 100 presentations a year and appears regularly on television, radio and in print.
For further ideas to help you raise happy children and resilient teenagers visit http://www.parentingideas.com.au . While you are there subscribe to Happy Kids newsletter and receive a free report Seven ways to beat sibling rivalry.
tidy up service Northbrook ..Nothing touches the heartstrings of a parent or teacher more... Read More
Despite serious reductions in funding for arts programs in... Read More
Do you struggle to get your child to bed at... Read More
What is Happening in the brain of children, teens, and... Read More
Checking accounts are an absolute necessity these days. You can... Read More
The snow was getting heavier with each lift of the... Read More
Choosing a good car seat for your child's protection is... Read More
Q: Whenever we tell my daughter "no," she just bugs... Read More
"Good parents give their children Roots and Wings." --Jonas SalkThe... Read More
There isn't a school day that goes by that I... Read More
We begin forming healthy habits at a young age. With... Read More
Blink. That's all we did, blink, and summer is ending... Read More
There are some grounds to assume that a cognitive dissonance... Read More
As thinking, acting human beings we have the ability to... Read More
This article on parenting is by a practicing relationship counsellor/therapist,... Read More
How in the world do you get your child to... Read More
Diagnosing children and teens with ADHD can be a challenge.... Read More
Let's be honest! When it comes to parenting, men expect... Read More
Here's the scene of communication with your child: your three-year-old... Read More
The small, lilac colored hexagonal box, with Winnie the Pooh... Read More
Goal setting is essential for building a successful life. However,... Read More
Are you looking for the Ultimate Airplane Themed Party Games... Read More
As a mom of 4 who's youngest child is about... Read More
John Bishop's Goal Setting for Students.comLegacy to Your ChildrenIt's 6:30... Read More
The law of -ing.The law of -ing refers to a... Read More
reliable home cleaners Buffalo Grove ..Do you live with an ADD / ADHD child? If... Read More
In the last few years, parents started getting more and... Read More
"I don't know and I don't care."I've heard those words... Read More
We take it for granted that children know how money... Read More
If you are like most people today, you do not... Read More
Nothing touches the heartstrings of a parent or teacher more... Read More
I could nearly fund my children's future education if I... Read More
One of the challenges for parents with a gifted child... Read More
Parents want their children to succeed in school. However, sometimes... Read More
Unfortunately each year many young children drown in swimming pools,... Read More
"The greatest gift I ever had Came from God, and... Read More
Creating and making special memories with your child is very... Read More
Advocate: you've probably heard the term before. But what does... Read More
Demanding children ? children who have entitlement issues ? seem... Read More
Children do what feels good to them and follow their... Read More
So you're pregnant. Congratulations! Your life is about to change... Read More
Potty training fears, often called toilet terrors, are common among... Read More
"I took care of Callie," my three-year-old announced.Callie had been... Read More
Sitting by her Pinocchio lamp, she smiled at me as... Read More
Family decision-making is an intriguing phenomenon. Many factors become part... Read More
It has been a long day. Home from work, you... Read More
As a parent, you can learn a lot about your... Read More
"My son won't go to bed at night without a... Read More
Annie easily slipped into becoming the sole caregiver of her... Read More
Not Letting Them Think.We all implicitly know that anything questioning... Read More
Parenting |