Chaim Ginott was a schoolteacher whose ideas and observations helped to bring about a near revolution in the way teachers interact with their young charges.
He later practiced as a psychologist.
The phone rang, he relates in one of his books, early on a Monday following Thanksgiving weekend. The woman on the line was clearly very agitated.
"Try and figure this out, if you can!" she pleaded.
"There we were in the car, the whole family. We drove four hundred miles, from Pittsburgh to New York. In the back of the car, little Ivan behaved like an angel, quiet and deep in thought..
"I said to myself, 'He deserves some praise.'
"Just as we entered the Lincoln Tunnel, I turned to him and said: 'You're such a good boy, Ivan. I'm proud of you.'
"A minute later, the sky fell on us..
"Ivan pulled out an ashtray and spilled its contents all over us. The ashes, the cigarette butts, and the smoke kept coming, like atomic fallout. We were in the tunnel in heavy traffic, and we were choking. If not for the cars around us, I might have murdered him!
"And what burned me up was I had just praised him. Isn't praise good for kids anymore?"
Ivan himself solved the mystery a few weeks later, in Ginott's office.
All the way home he had been wondering how to get rid of his younger brother, who was snuggled up between mother and father in front of the car.
Finally, the idea occurred to him that if their car were jackknifed in the middle, he and his parents would be safe, but the baby would be cut in two!
Just then his mother had congratulated him for being so good. The praise made him feel guilty. He felt he had to show that he did not deserve it. he looked around and saw the ashtray. The rest followed automatically.
Praise can be a highly powerful motivator. We know that. Workplace managers and supervisors know it, and adults who have enjoyed some success in the training of children certainly know it. Parents and educators have few weapons in their armory as potent as praise.
However, its correct use is a skill that needs to be learned, like any other. Any weapon that's not controlled is an instrument of destruction.
I've cited an extreme case here to make the point. But hopefully, make the point it does.
Chaim Ginott was a strong believer in what he called "congruent communication." "Congruent" means "consistent" or "harmonious." What he meant by the phrase is that our communication should be consistent with, or in harmony with, our ultimate objectives.
Well, what's new? Sounds so simple, doesn't it? Unfortunately, for many of us it's not so simple. Not at all.
I read about someone who recalled how she was having difficulties with math when she was in elementary school. Sensing her child's frustration, her mother took her aside and offered some well-intentioned encouragement:
" No one in our family is good in math. I wasn't good at math, your sister isn't good in math. No wonder you're having a hard time. I'm sure you'll be good at something else."
Consoling? Maybe. But if at the age of 30 or 40, the former struggling student still had the mathematical ability of an average 10 year old, would you be very surprised?
Unhelpful or unproductive messages that young people receive from their elders take many different forms.
A friend recently told me that his eleven year old was uncharacteristically moody and subdued for a few weeks. It took him a while to figure that something must be bugging the lad at school. At first, the boy insisted that everything was OK, but eventually he blurted it all out.
He explained sadly that his teacher kept upsetting him with comments like:
"Another poor grade in the test this week. You could do much better, if you really wanted to."
"You say you find it difficult to concentrate in class? If you really wanted to, I'm certain you could..."
"Dad," moaned the hapless pupil. "I just don't understand this 'if you wanted to' business. Can it be possible? Does my teacher REALLY think I don't care? Surely he must know how much I'd like to be a better student, if only I could?"
Fortunately, this story had a happy ending. The father had a friendly, heart to heart chat with the teacher, who understood where he might have been making a mistake. Before long, the teacher's feedback had changed to:
"Your grade in this week's test was two percent better. Now that you're going up, perhaps you can manage another two percent hike next week?"
"You've concentrated for a solid twenty minutes this morning. You see yourself you can do it. Now, just try to manage for another ten minutes!"
Happy days!
Azriel Winnett is creator of Hodu.com - Your Communication Skills Portal. This popular free website helps you improve your communication and relationship skills in your business or professional life, in the family unit and on the social scene. New articles added almost daily.
efficient cleaning crew Highland Park ..'Whose room is it anyway?'If you have a teenager, you're... Read More
Imagine having no television for an entire season. Such was... Read More
Fizzy sherbet in a paper bag with a strawberry lollipop... Read More
Mealtimes together deserve an important place in any family. Around... Read More
A parent writes in, ``We are having a hard time... Read More
It was a day that I will forever be etched... Read More
Just a couple of years ago Annie helped her parents... Read More
"Hugging is healthy: it helps the body's immunity system, it... Read More
Like anything else in life, there's a method to the... Read More
1. STOP focusing on what you are going to make... Read More
Gift shops are a kid magnet and often a trip... Read More
Little Suzy has really been having a hard time getting... Read More
One of the most prevalent myths of our modern culture... Read More
We know that ancient cultures and Indians and the like... Read More
Although it's hard to say when the first stuffed dogs... Read More
A certain educator was once asked at what point should... Read More
The children of Baby Boomers, the Echo Generation, are entering... Read More
Here are some things that you can do to help... Read More
Plus size children and overweight children need patterns and clothing... Read More
In the beginning, having children was just a byproduct of... Read More
Often, the struggle at dinnertime with your picky eater is... Read More
Did you know that over 75% of teens aged 16-17... Read More
"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think... Read More
From the time the Mayflower landed at Plymouth Rock in... Read More
A sure way to double the joys of parenthood is... Read More
scheduled maid service Park Ridge ..As our children grow, they will be going to schools... Read More
Q. When you consult with a family with teens, what... Read More
"Now don't you go getting any ideas, Harold.""Don't you get... Read More
Your Virgo Baby..August 23 - September 22Virgo children are honest... Read More
Managing money is one of the most critical skills we... Read More
I remember when my daughter was born, later my son.... Read More
If you really want to get your children to eat... Read More
Some public schools try to turn children against their parents... Read More
Every now and then I'll get a story sent to... Read More
Memorizing math facts is a necessary part of elementary school.... Read More
So you're going to become a father. Now is not... Read More
My oldest boy is fifteen and was a real jerk... Read More
To every thing there is a season, and a time... Read More
Q: Our son has been in honors classes all through... Read More
A parent writes in, ``We are having a hard time... Read More
There are a lot of sophisticated parenting theories and techniques... Read More
In the beginning, having children was just a byproduct of... Read More
Ritalin has been shown through the years to be very... Read More
Do you think you really know your child? I don't... Read More
Most of us really don't like it when someone is... Read More
The subject of competition is one that provokes some pretty... Read More
It's the third time this week that Sam has complained... Read More
It used to strike me as odd - but really,... Read More
Successful families don't just happen. They take time, talent and... Read More
MYTH: If you have not parented as well as you... Read More
Parenting |