Five Ways To Build Super-Strong Relationships With Your Children

One of the questions I ask in parenting presentations is "How do you show your children you love them?"

Participants usually cite verbal and physical ways of showing affection as the most common means of showing love. These ways work well for children of certain age groups and children with those relational preferences, but how do you relate to a child or young person who becomes a 'conversational clam' or one who doesn't like physical closeness?

Conversely, it is easy to miss the relational signs of children if their ways of relating fit outside our frame of reference. I remember Michael, behaviourally the most challenging child that I taught, would meet me in the car park each morning and carry my bag to the staffroom door. He would bid me farewell and we would spend most of our contact time jousting with each other. The bag-carrying was just Michael's way of saying that he liked me. His relational preference was through acts of service, which is similar to mine so we were on the same wavelength.

According to Gary Chapman author of Five Languages of Children there are five different ways to develop a connection (show them you love them) with children. As you read them consider your preference and the preferences of children in your family or immediate confines:

1. Acts of affirmation, praise and recognition

The best way to develop a relationship with some children is through your praise, affirmation and recognition. Let them know they are wonderful, that their efforts at home hit the mark and their behaviour is appreciated and they will know you think the world of them. This is obviously easy for some children who naturally do well or behave appropriately but what of those children who are NOT 'affirmation magnets'? We need to try something else?

2. Acts of service and shared activity

Some children just want to share an activity with you. When you come home from work they may pester you for a game or want to join you in whatever you are doing. As toddlers these children want to be attached to their mum and dad's hips as they go about their usual business. You cook, they want to cook. You mow the lawn they want to join you. These children will often do things for you to show they care so they do special jobs 'just for you' (particularly when they have been less than perfect) or want you to join them in an activity or a game. As teenagers they may share an interest such as sport with a parent rather than participating together in an activity itself. These children also love to have their parents to themselves for a time.

3. Talking and attention

Some children just love to talk or be the centre of attention. They love one-on-one time but they can rattle on forever rather than actually engage in an activity with a parent. Far from being 'conversational clams' these children usually don't mind telling you about their day or about any social problems they may be having. They also like to hear about your personal life or how you may have handled the highs and lows of life. Yes, they can close up during adolescence but you may just have to find the right forum such as a car or coffee shop for them to talk. Parents who travel a great deal can stay in touch with these children through the internet or via the telephone. In many ways these 'talkers' provide easy access for relationships as long as we make the effort.

4. Gifts and mementoes

Some children like more tangible evidence of your regard so small mementoes or gifts are the way to their hearts. I am not talking big expense here but these 'tangibles' love their parents to bring something home from work (a pad, pen or poster can work wonders) or a little treat every now and then. Some teenage 'tangibles' can be quite demanding on their parents financially as they may ask for big ticket fashion items but remember that it is the thought not the item that counts with this group.

5. Physical closeness and affection

Some children just can't get close enough to their parents. As young children they love to be picked up and toddlers can give parents little space. Cuddles on the couch and physical play are de rigeur for these kinaesthetic types. Some older boys love to skylark and play very physical games with their fathers, which can be their way of saying, "You're OK." So you need to go along with these affectionate types and realise a touch on the shoulder or a hand on the arm can be more potent than words of praise. This can be challenging if you are physically reserved yourself or your children move into adolescence and you feel awkward about giving them a hug. Sometimes a squeeze on the arm or a quick rub of a teen's back as you greet them is a powerful reminder that you love them.

Most children will have a preference for two of the above methods just as most parents will have one or two preferred ways of relating to others. If you love to chat then holding conversations with like-minded children will be a breeze but how will you relate to those children who prefer more physical ways or even a memento?

If you are frustrated and think that you just can't get through to your child it may be worth checking the way you relate. If talking doesn't work then maybe try a little memento from time to time or suggest a game, a cup of coffee together or just a story. To steal a line from an 80's American sitcom ? 'Different strokes for different young folks.'

Michael Grose is a leading parenting educator and specialises in healping busy parents raise confident kids and resilient young people.

He is the author of six books and over 300 columns in magazines and newspapers across three contintents. He also gives over 100 presentations a year.

For more great ideas to help you raise fantastic kids that other people rave about and really love the job of parenting visit http://www.parentingideas.com.au . While you are there subscribe to Happy Kids, Michael's free email newsletter and receive a free report Seven ways to beat sibling rivalry

executive chauffeured services Bradford .. Madison to Airport car
In The News:

Getting virus alerts on your iPhone? Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson helps you learn how to handle fake scam alerts and boost security.
Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson says opening emails is safe, but risks arise from interacting with links, attachments or HTML content.
Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson reveals four signs of compromised Social Security numbers and offers five steps to protect yourself.
Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson discusses how MAB Robotics' Honey Badger 4.0, a versatile robot, now walks underwater with amphibious skills.
An updated Android trojan called FakeCall hijacks bank calls. Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson says Android phone manufacturers and Google need to step up their game on security.
The Massimo Modular E9 is a sleek, smart and comfy tiny home in 409 square feet. Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson takes a closer look at what the future of housing might look like.
Every stock trader should consider a virtual private network to safeguard their trading, according to tech guru Kurt "CyberGuy" Knutsson.
Apple recently announced its new lineup of Macs and rolled out Apple Intelligence, its latest artificial intelligence-powered feature for its products.
A Swiss-engineered robot can climb ladders, showing why it's at the cutting edge of autonomous robotic solutions for harsh industrial settings.
Kurt "CyberGuy" Knutsson presents the cities targeted most by robocalls, why this is happening and what you can do about it to protect your privacy.
Stay up to date on the latest AI technology advancements and learn about the challenges and opportunities AI presents
Kurt "CyberGuy" Knutsson shares tips and suggestions for how to get the best use out of the updated Calendar app available with the latest iOS update.
Your Social Security number, your unique identifier used for many purposes, has likely been leaked on the Dark Web; here are some steps you can take to protect yourself.
Researchers have developed a new technology that creates strong, sticky fibers capable of lifting objects and capturing things from a distance.
Smart rings track the same things that smartwatches do, including steps, sleep and a general overview of your overall health, and they tend have more battery life than smartwatches.
Researchers have developed a robotic finger that can perform routine medical exams like those conducted by doctors, helping to address the growing shortage of trained professionals.
Stay up to date on the latest AI technology advancements and learn about the challenges and opportunities AI presents now and for the future.
Insurance administrative services company Landmark Admin reported that a data breach from a May cyberattack affected over 800,000 people.
Sotheby's will auction the first artwork created by Ai-Da, the world's first robot artist created in 2019 by British gallerist Aidan Meller.
More than 250 million users of the Verizon Messages app will have to switch to another app. Verizon is shutting down Messages in the next month.
Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson provides a list of 10 celebrities who are the most targeted by deepfake scams, including Tom Hanks.
Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson discusses how Vast's Haven-1, launching in 2025, transforms space living with human-centric design.
UnitedHealth confirms over 100 million Change Healthcare users had their data stolen. Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson reveals what happened and what caused the breach.
Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson explains how iOS 18 brings new text formatting and animated effects to the Messages app.
Whether you're a social media veteran or novice, Facebook friend request scams are common. Kurt the CyberGuy provides tips to keep your account safe.

Best Investment

Every week I write something about the stock market -... Read More

Television - The Great SATAN!

I've often thought that in 6 million years, archaeologists will... Read More

Coping With Colic

Quite simply, an absolute nightmare for parents and babies alike,... Read More

Top Ten Things Parents Must Know About State Academic Standards (What Your Child s/b Learning)

Public education in the United States has never been equal... Read More

Grandparents! Help Your Grandkids Do Math!

This may come as a surprise.But despite all the advances... Read More

End Babysitter Abuse

Not many things are more upsetting than discovering that your... Read More

Parents: You Can Do Something About Professional Sports Ethics

Most of us can agree that there is a lack... Read More

Develop Your Childs Genius: Training Your Child for Success

This time, I would like to talk about a subject... Read More

ADHD: Dialogue with a Non-Believer, Part Four

Dear Sir, It was with some interest that I read... Read More

Lead with Love:How Mothers Can Use Their Greatest Strength to Manage Around Their Technical Weakness

My wife and I have been working on a video... Read More

Healthy Eating For Children: Six Simple Rules

Rule #1 Make Every Bite Count!Everything your child eats should... Read More

Build Character with this Delicious Triple A Recipe!

Vinegar or honey, what do kids really want? "Toys, candy,... Read More

Raising Strong Daughters

When my daughter was born, I must admit there was... Read More

Ten Ways to Help Your Child Make Friends

Nothing touches the heartstrings of a parent or teacher more... Read More

Uniforms

Direct Answers - Column for the week of May 31,... Read More

The Muffed Dance

Teri was 5. As younger siblings do, she looked up... Read More

Back to School; Time to Recharge

The back-to-school shopping is done. Brand new pencils, colored markers,... Read More

The ADHD Parents Guide: Questions for the School

Here is something that you might want to keep if... Read More

Parents Dealing with Worry and Fear

Dear Vijay,I worry about not being a good parent. My... Read More

Disciplining the Wild Child

Do you have a wild child? Then this article may... Read More

Violence in Media

In the news, we hear and see an increasing number... Read More

Creating a Memorable Travel Journal Using A Stuffed Animal

You may remember The Red Couch Project, a book by... Read More

Financially Stable Kids ? Prepared for College

We are all familiar with the stories that most students... Read More

Inattentive ADHD: Just Like Winnie the Pooh

Winnie the Pooh is the classic picture of Inattentive ADHD.... Read More

Breastfeeding, Its My Right

My name is Duncan and I'm 2 years old. I... Read More

O'Hare Chicago prom limo ..