For many years underparenting was perhaps the biggest problem facing children.
Recently there has emerged another type of parenting that, whilst never as harmful as underparenting, can be detrimental to children's healthy development? that is, the trend by many of the current generation of parents to overparent their children.
Overparenting occurs when parents solve children's problems rather than give them the chance to overcome problems themselves. It occurs when parents allow children to avoid legitimately challenging situations so they won't be inconvenienced. It also occurs when too much control or too much order is imposed on children.
Overparenting is predominantly a mindset. It is a belief that children can't overcome difficulties themselves and they can't cope with discomfort or disappointment. It comes with increased affluence but it can occur in any socio-economic group. From my observation, it is more likely to occur in smaller rather than larger families or in families where a death has occurred or tragedy has been a visitor.
An overparented child is a protected, spoiled child. He or she often lacks real confidence and won't take many risks. An overprotected child avoids new situations and looks to hide behind his parents when difficulties or challenges arise.
An overparented child can be any age but often becomes more apparent in middle primary school when the challenges children meet start to multiply. The overparenting may have occurred in the early years but the results only become apparent during this stage.
Some children by their nature place more demands on their parents, which results in overparenting. They receive more attention, more material possessions and more spoiling than they need because they can so bloody-minded and so insistent that parents give in just for some peace and quiet.
Sometimes circumstances such as family breakdown or a change of circumstances can lead to overparenting or overprotection as a form of compensation for the inconvenience that has been caused. While a child's behaviour may lead to feelings of guilt overparenting in this manner doesn't do the child any favours in the long term.
How can a parent break from a pattern of overparenting? This is hard to do because overparenting can seem so normal. However if a child is so reliant on a parents that they think they can't cope without them then it is time to take some action.
Parental illness is one way to change overparenting, although it is not a recommended course of action. When a parent is incapacitated or sick for a lengthy period of time children generally have no choice but to fend for themselves in a whole range of ways. From my observation of families I am constantly amazed how children rise to a challenge when they have to.
Another way to kick the overparenting habit is to do so by stealth. Little by little parents need to pull back on the over-assistance that they provide children. They can start by insisting children walk to school (provided this is reasonable from the perspective of safety and their wellbeing), get themselves up each morning or other simple forms of self-help as required. When a new behaviour becomes the norm rather than the exception then it is best to look for another area to withdraw their assistance from.
Another way to defeat the overparenting habit it to give children ideas, tips and techniques to cope with their challenges rather than allow them to avoid or pull out of challenges. For instance, a child who wants to pull out of an after school class after three weeks because they haven't any friends may need some ideas about either how to make friends or make do without friends until the end of term.
It helps to develop a "Hang tough" attitude rather than a "Let's try something else when things get tough" attitude. Overparenting prevents children from developing a "Hang Tough" attitude.
From my experience those children who do best at school and beyond the school years are those who have parents whose first response is to teach and support rather than protect or compensate when social, physical or intellectual challenges occur. It also helps to have parents who show absolute, unwavering confidence in a child's ability to cope and fend for him or herself, yet be wise enough to know when children need their help and compassionate enough to lend a hand once in while.
It is hard to get the balance right between developing real independence and not placing too much responsibility on children. It is essential for all sorts of reasons that childhood be protected, even prolonged. But that doesn't mean that children be closeted, spoiled or get every material good they want. Effective parenting is a balancing act between the head and the heart, between providing opportunities for resourcefulness and showing compassion, and between being a supportive parent and a protective parent.
Michael Grose is The Parent Coach. For seventeen years he has been helping parents deal with the rigours of raising kids and survive!! For information about Michael's Parent Coaching programs or just some fine advice and ideas to help you raise confident kids and resilient teenagers visit http://www.parentingideas.com.au
executive chauffeured services Bradford .. Madison to Airport carReading is the most efficient and economical way to help... Read More
I hear from many parents that their child is stressed... Read More
Our children are growing up bilingual in the French part... Read More
You want your daughter to wear a dress to the... Read More
The back-to-school shopping is done. Brand new pencils, colored markers,... Read More
What you say and do about money has a profound... Read More
The learning and development of Australian kids is under threat... Read More
Be sure to respect the intellectual changes that mark adolescence.... Read More
This may come as a surprise, but many parents are... Read More
"To educate a person in mind and not in morals... Read More
Managing money is one of the most critical skills we... Read More
Dear Camille,As I thumb through the photographs that I carry... Read More
Every now and then I'll get a story sent to... Read More
Much has been said about the "gifted child" but in... Read More
Q. Our 17-year-old son wants us to let his girlfriend... Read More
The purpose of this article is to address some of... Read More
As a parent you will be asked to assist with... Read More
Nail biting in all its various forms is problematic... Read More
It's hard to explain to the uninitiated the changes that... Read More
When we consider that the word allowance means, "allowing for,"... Read More
Here's a scene: A parent "might suddenly grab a happliy... Read More
1. Tell me something you like about yourself? Help your... Read More
An apology is a sign of strength, not weakness. Sometimes... Read More
Mealtimes together deserve an important place in any family. Around... Read More
Compulsory attendance laws are school authorities' first assault on parental... Read More
O'Hare Chicago prom limo ..Some years ago when touring the Scottish Highlands, a man... Read More
Q. My daughter is a junior in high school and... Read More
When a child wets the bed they worry. Children tend... Read More
Does music need to be "dumbed-down" for kids? The answer... Read More
O.K. I've heard it a hundred times from my prison... Read More
I remember when my daughter was born. Visions of her... Read More
We all scream for ice cream. Or, we don't, at... Read More
Would you hand a child calculus problems once she was... Read More
Moms, did you ever question your value as a role... Read More
Chaim Ginott was a schoolteacher whose ideas and observations helped... Read More
Single parents are not often thought of as good parents.I... Read More
As I sit here and reflect on the past two... Read More
Gift shops are a kid magnet and often a trip... Read More
Do you know what these famous people have in common?Alexander... Read More
All babies cry, but if yours cries a lot, isn't... Read More
As our children grow, they will be going to schools... Read More
There may really be a real monster under your kid???s... Read More
Are you a frustrated parent who sometimes finds it is... Read More
According to the American Sleep Association 70% of all babies... Read More
"Not another meeting!"That tends to be the reaction from many... Read More
Handing Down Malignancy.Children may begin bright and eager to face... Read More
Not many things are more upsetting than discovering that your... Read More
When I was pregnant, we knew that we had some... Read More
No matter what you say or do, your kids will... Read More
The wonderful adaptability of children in dealing with the challenges... Read More
Parenting |