You want your daughter to wear a dress to the party. She wants to wear jeans. You want your toddler to take his medicine. He does everything he can to keep that yucky stuff out of his mouth. The more you insist, the more they resist. You can break free from power struggles and turn turbulence into positive growth opportunities by putting a few helpful tips in place:
* Step back and view the big picture. How do you respond when your kids challenge your authority? If you view your kids as "willful," or "bad," consider this: it is developmentally appropriate for kids to test their boundaries. As children grow they have a natural desire to make their own decisions and do things for themselves. They want to separate from their parents and function under their own power. Instead of viewing this as threatening, view it as a necessary part of growing up.
By taking on a big picture view, your emotions won't overpower your judgement when dealing with power hungry kids. When you exert your will through force and intimidation, one of two negative side effects occurs: either your children give in and lose motivation to make decisions for themselves, or they rebel, fighting back against you. When children push for power, remind yourself that a positive response from you can set a course for cooperation and empowerment.
* Break negative patterns. Power struggles follow a pattern like the steps of a dance. They do "this," you do "that." Change the pattern and you change the course of your relationship. Anne has a pattern of engaging Mom in power struggles over her curfew. Anne tells mom, "I'm staying out late." Mom says, "No you aren't." Anne protests. Mom yells. Anne glares. Mom punishes. Anne seeks revenge with rebellious behavior. It's always the same pattern. Once Mom recognized the pattern, she made a conscious decision to change it. The next time Anne said she wanted to stay out late, Mom had a new response. She said, "You really want to stay out late tonight don't you dear?" Anne started to protest out of habit, then looked at Mom in shock. "Yes," Anne said, "I want to stay at Kims house until 11 p.m.." Mom listened to Anne's feelings assuring her that when she got older, she could stay out later.
* Allow kids to make some choices. Lots of parents report success at sidestepping the initial power struggle. Then, they slip back into yelling out orders which sets the pattern back in motion. This can be avoided by giving kids choices that allow both your needs to be met. Judy doesn't want to wash her sticky fingers. Instead of fighting with her, Dad gives Judy a choice, "Do you want to wash with bar soap or liquid soap?" Judy picks liquid soap.
Kids want power. When you give them choices within reasonable limits, it's much easier for them to cooperate. The key to making choices work is to only give choices you are willing to accept. Give "real" choices not manipulative ones, such as this: "You can choose to eat your tuna fish sandwich or choose to lose television for the day." That's not an empowering choice. When you allow children some sense of power in their life, even if it's something small, like what color cup they drink from, what bedtime story they hear, or whether they want to do homework before or after dinner, their esteem grows as they enjoy some control over their lives.
* Empower your kids. When you cannot seem to break free from a power struggle, ask yourself, "How can I empower my child in this situation?" Jane argued with Michael about eating junk food. Every time her back was turned, he devoured everything. Jane decided to give Michael power by telling him, "Michael, I bought one box of girl scout cookies. I will not be buying more snacks until next week. You are in charge of how you want to eat your snacks. You can eat them quickly or make them last throughout the week." Michael counted the cookies in the box and made a remarkably sensible plan for snacking. No more power struggle.
* Do the unexpected. Using humor helps to side step power struggles. Breaking out into a foreign accent or cartoon character voice can lighten the mood. When things are getting tense, wave your hand in the air and say, "Lets erase this whole conversation and start over again." Walk out of the room and come back in, starting over on a calmer note. This can be enough to set things back on track.
* Focus on solutions. Power struggles create a win-lose attitude. No one truly wins unless you both win. Teach kids the importance of listening to and considering each person's point of view. Show them how to look for solutions that work for all. You can say to your child, "Lets see if we can come up with some ideas that take both our needs into consideration."
* Disagreements and disrespect are two different things. Do you believe your children should never say "no" to you? Instead of viewing "no" as a sign of disrespect, view it as a disagreement. We encourage our kids to say "no" to drugs and peer pressure. While teaching kids to stand up for themselves, we must realize there will be times they will stand up for themselves with us. The key is to teach kids to show respect during disagreements. When Andy said, "You can't make me eat those peas. Get them off my plate," it didn't go over well with Dad. He sidestepped the power struggle by saying, "Andy, it's easier for me to be helpful to you if you say something like, 'Dad, I would rather not eat peas with dinner.'" Every time you take a respectful approach with your children you model peaceful ways of dealing with disagreements.
Marilyn Suttle presents parenting and work/life communication keynotes and workshops for corporations and associations. To receive her FREE e-newsletter: Life in Balance: Thriving Kids/Thriving Parents, visit: www.suttleonline.net, or reach her directly at 1-248-348-1023.
executive chauffeured services Bradford .. Madison to Airport car4 traps to avoidTrap 1 - Parents need to realize... Read More
This may come as a surprise.But despite all the advances... Read More
1. Boundaries are necessary for control and safety.All children need... Read More
Did you know that you are the most important person... Read More
Ok. So you're a dad to be. If you're like... Read More
There are software programs that you can purchase to keep... Read More
You may remember The Red Couch Project, a book by... Read More
So you have just returned home from your third meeting... Read More
Many children who suffer from the psychological effects of child... Read More
Meningitis is an inflammation of the membranes around the brain... Read More
Ask any teacher or adolescent counselor what the most disturbing... Read More
Summer Survival The... Read More
Parents looking for a quick fix usually choose troubled teen... Read More
I have three children, ages 19 and 16 (yes, the... Read More
Each child carries a unique picture of the self, shaped... Read More
Sometime the most effective training tool in rapidly accelerating the... Read More
Becoming a stepmother can undoubtedly be one of the most... Read More
Annie easily slipped into becoming the sole caregiver of her... Read More
We all scream for ice cream. Or, we don't, at... Read More
Child Safety Restraints and children in work vehiclesIf you take... Read More
What are the easiest things citizens can do to prevent... Read More
Here we will come to know who are the most... Read More
When you talk about multiply your child's intelligence, you can't... Read More
1. Make stronger connections among individuals and, therefore, creates a... Read More
Are you worried about your child's reading habits? Perhaps you... Read More
O'Hare Chicago prom limo ..Q. With another school year starting, we are not sure... Read More
Do you think you really know your child? I don't... Read More
Rule #1 Make Every Bite Count!Everything your child eats should... Read More
Child support is defined as that part of your income... Read More
Congratulations on your new baby! You have just brought your... Read More
Your Virgo Baby..August 23 - September 22Virgo children are honest... Read More
Q. What is the best way to teach safety awareness... Read More
For most children, it is easy to learn to read... Read More
Ah, potty training! Go to a local bookseller and you... Read More
The school holidays are a great time for the kids,... Read More
Everyone needs friends, and, as parents, you and I both... Read More
I'm sure many of you have heard that old Hallmark... Read More
Question 1 "How do I get more time to play?"... Read More
In my opinion, these things matter...1. Enjoying childlike delights before... Read More
I have a bit of a different response than most... Read More
Did you know that the number of twin births have... Read More
Chaim Ginott was a schoolteacher whose ideas and observations helped... Read More
Would you like your child to be the best that... Read More
Is Homework Really That Important?Dear Friends,I no longer teach in... Read More
Fizzy sherbet in a paper bag with a strawberry lollipop... Read More
I look out of the window as I am writing... Read More
What do you do when your child begins talking to... Read More
Back to school preparations are in full-swing. Soon, the first... Read More
Those of you that have children know what an excursion... Read More
According to researchers, most children enter school with a good... Read More
Parenting |