Angie was brought up by rigid, authoritarian parents who kept her on a tight leash. They rarely considered her feelings about anything, showing a complete lack of empathy and compassion for her feelings and desires. If she came home five minutes late from school or from an activity, she was punished. Yelling and hitting were their favorite forms of punishment.
Angie was a good girl. She did well in school and did what she was told, but was often sad and lonely and never felt important. When she married and had her own children, she knew that she didn't want to treat her children the way she had been treated. She wanted to consider their feelings and needs. She wanted them to feel valued and important.
Angie was a very loving mother. She spent lots of time with her children, playing with them, listening to them, and giving them much affection and approval. However, because it was so vital to Angie that her children feel valued and important, she often put herself aside and gave in to their demands. Because Angie had never felt important, it was easy to put herself aside. She actually believed that her children's feelings and needs were more important than hers. As a result, Angie swung the other way from her own upbringing and became a permissive parent.
The consequences for Angie of authoritarian parenting was that she didn't value herself. The results for her children of permissive parenting was that her children grew up with entitlement issues, thinking they were more important than others, and often not being caring and respectful toward others.
Neither authoritarian nor permissive parenting is loving parenting. Loving parenting is parenting that values both the parents' and the children's feelings and needs. Loving parents do not attempt to control their children ? other than in actual situations of health and safety - nor do they allow their children to control them. They do not violate their children with anger, blame, or hitting, nor do they allow their children to violate them. They do not expect their children to give themselves for others, nor do they give themselves up for their children.
Loving parents are parents who deeply value themselves enough to not worry about being rejected by their children. They are willing to set solid limits on unacceptable behavior and are not available to being manipulated by their children. Their identities are not tied into their children's performance in school or in other activities, such as sports. Nor are their identities tied up in how their children look. They are accepting of who their children are as individuals, even when their children are very different from them. They do not impose their way of being onto their children, yet at the same time they solidly reinforce a value system that includes honesty, integrity, caring, compassion, kindness and empathy.
As much as we want to be loving parents, unless we have done our own inner work to heal our own deep fears of rejection and domination, we will automatically be acting out of these fears without being consciously aware of it. If you grew up with fears of rejection and/or domination, you will automatically protect against these fears in your relationships with your children. You may find yourself trying to control them out of a fear of being controlled or rejected by them. You might be controlling with your anger or with your giving in and giving yourself up. Fears of rejection can manifest with children through trying to control them with anger, or through trying to control their love through giving yourself up to them. Fears of domination can manifest through controlling them with anger or violence to avoid being controlled by them. Insecurities can manifest through attempting to get your children to perform in the way you want in order to define your worth.
In one way or another, whatever is unhealed within you will surface in your behavior with your children. Raising healthy children means first healing the wounded child within you ? the part of you that has your fears and insecurities, and your desire to protect against rejection and domination.
Our society has swung back and forth between authoritarian and permissive parenting and the result of both is far less than desirable. We have only to look at the number of people taking antidepressants and anti-anxiety drugs, as well as the number of alcoholics and drug addicts, as well as the rise of crime and the number of people in prisons, to know that neither method works to raise healthy individuals.
Perhaps it is time to accept that we need to be in the process of healing ourselves before becoming parents.
About The Author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or http://www.innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
Wood Dale Chicago prom limo .. Lockport Chicago limo O’HareHaving a babysitter take care of your kids is sometimes... Read More
Attention all parents of teen-agers. Here is an important, groundbreaking... Read More
Single parenting has seemingly become an acceptable norm which is... Read More
In dealing with children with autism spectrum disorders, its all... Read More
As parents and teachers, sometimes we want to praise, at... Read More
Do you have a young child whose weight or eating... Read More
Not many things are more upsetting than discovering that your... Read More
The Theme from MASHI flipped the button on the remote... Read More
What is in a name?The answer is everything!Jo J. of... Read More
If you had to spend 4 or 5 hours in... Read More
Successful parents have learned to be both firm and kind... Read More
In this form of treatment for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder... Read More
Isn't it ironic that a country whose constitution allows for... Read More
Here is a list of ways to convey the message... Read More
Speaking as a Michael (a Hebrew name, meaning "Who is... Read More
Even if your teenagers do not use drugs, you still... Read More
The First Reason: For one thing, child development experts are... Read More
MYTH: If you have not parented as well as you... Read More
The word no is probably the most overused word in... Read More
We need a grass roots campaign targeted towards parents to... Read More
Kitchens are where everything happens. It's not just where meals... Read More
Does this sound familiar? Have your kids not listened to... Read More
Wooden toys are one of the best alternatives for the... Read More
Most research into children's friendships shows that those children who... Read More
Reading to your child at a young age is one... Read More
Antigo wedding limo ..Life is comprised of pieces of time sprinkled with pivotal... Read More
Ah, potty training! Go to a local bookseller and you... Read More
We want our children to do the right thing, especially... Read More
There are only two ways to get more money:1) Increase... Read More
To the untrained eye, it might look like a piece... Read More
Research published by University of Rochester neuroscientists C. Shawn Green... Read More
Here is an easy, inexpensive and fun kid experiment for... Read More
Saying no to our children is not always easy or... Read More
When a parent is deployed with the military it can... Read More
Life is funny.My twenty-year-old daughter, Melanie, has a her new... Read More
Q. Our 17-year-old son wants us to let his girlfriend... Read More
Should a parent give a child a tangible reward when... Read More
Having a high level of emotional intelligence in your children... Read More
Very often, new parents rely on a parenting tip or... Read More
The initial state of happiness about an own child is... Read More
Did you know that the number of twin births have... Read More
Certainly we all want our children to excel. But it... Read More
"Setting the alarm on Sunday mornings is inhuman?..God should know... Read More
Sitting by her Pinocchio lamp, she smiled at me as... Read More
'Picky Eater' is a label coined to describe the phenomenon... Read More
Bullies are an ugly but very real part of childhood.... Read More
The learning and development of Australian kids is under threat... Read More
Backpack? Check. Notebooks? Check. Ink-pens? Check. Clear Skin? Mommmm!If you... Read More
A strange thing happened to me today. Or more precisely,... Read More
Choosing to leave your child with a caregiver is one... Read More
Parenting |