I had just completed a session with 17-year old Julie who suffered from severe depression. Julie believed she was a total failure and would never be able to change anything in her life. Julie also felt all her shortcomings were her own fault.
Where, I ask myself, did such a young person acquire this negative and fatalistic thinking?
The answer soon became apparent when I invited her parents into the session. They began discussing numerous life events and explaining them in ways that their children were learning. The car, for example, got dented because you can't trust anybody these days; Mom yelled at brother because she was in a bad mood; you can't get ahead in this world unless you know somebody, etc.
As a parent, your own thinking style is always on display and your children are listening intently!
The Importance of Optimism
Why should you want your child to be an optimist? Because, as Dr. Martin Seligman explains: "Pessimism (the opposite of optimism) is an entrenched habit of mind that has sweeping and disastrous consequences: depressed mood, resignation, underachievement and even unexpectedly poor physical health."
Children with optimistic thinking skills are better able to interpret failure, have a stronger sense of personal mastery and are better able to bounce back when things go wrong in their lives.
Because parents are a major contributor to the thinking styles of their children's developing minds, it is important to adhere to the following five steps to ensure healthy mental habits in your children.
How Parents Can Help
Step 1: Learn to think optimistically yourself. What children see and hear indirectly from you as you lead your life and interact with others influences them much more than what you try to 'teach' them.
You can model optimism for your child by incorporating optimistic mental skills into your own way of thinking. This is not easy and does not occur over night. But with practice, almost everyone can learn to think differently about life's events ? even parents!
Step 2: Teach your child that there is a connection between how they think and how they feel. You can do this most easily by saying aloud how your own thoughts about adversity create negative feelings in you.
For example, if you are driving your child to school and a driver cuts you off, verbalize the link between your thoughts and feelings by saying something like "I wonder why I'm feeling so angry; I guess I was saying to myself: 'Now I'm going to be late because the guy in front of me is going so darn slow. If he is going to drive like that he shouldn't drive during rush hour. How rude.'"
Step 3: Create a game called 'thought catching.' This helps your child learn to identify the thoughts that flit across his or her mind at the times they feel worst. These thoughts, although barely noticeable, greatly affect mood and behavior.
For instance, if your child received a poor grade, ask: "When you got your grade, what did you say to yourself?"
Step 4: Teach your child how to evaluate automatic thoughts. This means acknowledging that they things you say to yourself are not necessarily accurate.
For instance, after receiving the poor grade your child may be telling himself he is a failure, he is not as smart as other kids; he will never be able to succeed in school, etc. Many of these self-statements may not be accurate, but they are 'automatic' in that situation.
Step 5: Instruct your child on how to generate more accurate explanations (to themselves) when bad things happen and use them to challenge your child's automatic but inaccurate thoughts. Part of this process involves looking for evidence to the contrary (good grades in the past, success in other life areas, etc).
Another skill to teach your child to help him or her think optimistically is to 'decatastrophize' the situation ? that is ? help your child see that the bad event may not be as bad or will not have the adverse consequences imagined. Few things in life are as devastating as we fear, yet we blow them up in our minds.
Parents can influence the thinking styles of their children by modeling the principals of optimistic thinking.
About The Author
Dr. Tony Fiore is a So. California licensed psychologist, and anger management trainer. His company, The Anger Coach, provides anger and stress management programs, training and products to individuals, couples, and the workplace. Sign up for his free monthly newsletter "Taming The Anger Bee" at www.angercoach.com and receive two bonus reports.
Batchtown Chicago prom limo .. Lockport Chicago limo O’HareMealtimes together deserve an important place in any family. Around... Read More
While youth gangs are nothing new -- they've been traced... Read More
As the father of a toddler, I am an expert... Read More
Q. We are getting to the stage with our kids... Read More
Here we will come to know who are the most... Read More
1) It's not my (pot, beer, cigarettes, etc.), I'm just... Read More
Libraries offer more than books. They are places of learning... Read More
Dads, please let me encourage you to change some things... Read More
One of the most difficult parts of being a father... Read More
"Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing... Read More
If you are a member of a stepfamily, you know... Read More
It is extraordinary times that we find ourselves in. Change... Read More
When your child shows signs of potty training readiness, it's... Read More
An address given by Rev. David B. Smith... Read More
A learning disability is defined as a permanent problem that... Read More
As a parent, you can learn a lot about your... Read More
What makes parenting so challenging at times? One widespread research... Read More
Whenever parents discuss how to deal with bed wetting, the... Read More
There is nothing pleasant about failure, at least not at... Read More
Whether we realize it or not we teach our children... Read More
"Not another meeting!"That tends to be the reaction from many... Read More
Vouchers, which give tax money to parents to pay for... Read More
What do you do when your child begins talking to... Read More
Many people still think that the game of chess is... Read More
Despite the theory that people have kids because they want... Read More
shuttle from Midway Munster are ..According to researchers, most children enter school with a good... Read More
Certainly we all want our children to excel. But it... Read More
Age 1: Invite only family members and close friends only... Read More
Valentine day has always been a special day in my... Read More
The techniques of managing relationships between parents and their children... Read More
Why Is Spending Time with Your Child So Important?For children... Read More
When my oldest daughter was born, I walked the floor... Read More
Homes should be run by parents, not children. So many... Read More
Vouchers, which give tax money to parents to pay for... Read More
I am sure that this list can be jogged and... Read More
"Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing... Read More
Although many parents become frustrated as they try to maintain... Read More
An estimated five million scooters will be sold this year... Read More
When it comes to the treatment of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity... Read More
Chaim Ginott was a schoolteacher whose ideas and observations helped... Read More
Parental example, whether for good or for bad, is undoubtedly... Read More
Isn't it ironic that a country whose constitution allows for... Read More
Encouragement comes when you focus on your child's assets and... Read More
I'll never forget my first lesson in a glider.I'd been... Read More
A parent writes in, ``We are having a hard time... Read More
The time you will need to teach your children the... Read More
Some years ago when touring the Scottish Highlands, a man... Read More
"Get down from the table top right now! What are... Read More
Recently, our family had the opportunity to care for sisters'... Read More
There are a LOT of alternative treatments for sale out... Read More
Parenting |